Whispers of the Heart

I feel like I've had so much going on in my heart and life and so much to say, but no words to match my thoughts with. With that said, I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense.

My freshman class here at HPU has been hit with more tragedy than most classes see in their entire college career. Both of these events have struck a different chord in different people. I'm still trying to process the last one. I'm still not sure how I feel about it, how I should feel about it, or if I even possess the right to feel anything at all. She wasn't a close friend of mine and I didn't know her too well. I should have though. God gave me so many freaking chances to build that friendship and pursue that friendship and I didn't. I knew I should have and I knew God was pushing me to, but I resisted like a fool. I disobeyed. I didn't take the chance to get to know much about her, but what little I did know made her more than just an acquaintance that graduated and went to church with a girl I lived with this summer; it made her my sister. And so I grieve for a sister I barely knew.

I understand that I can't go back and re-meet her here on earth. I can't change the way I disobeyed in the past, but I can change my choices for the future. I don't know if I'm the only one who feels this way, but sometimes when I meet somebody for the first time it's like the Holy Spirit says, "take a good look because you're going to be friends with that person someday". And in that moment I'm scared as hell, but excited. It happened my freshman year of high school during marching band and that girl ended up taking me under her wing and mentoring me and I'm still friends with her to this day. When I saw this other girl during Jacket Journey I heard that same whisper. The way God connects things together is incredibly scary, but really awesome, too.

For the past 27 days I've been praying the same prayer. God has laid her on my heart to pray for her more than He has anything else in my life. If I don't pray for her before I go to bed I can't shut my eyes without seeing her face. If I don't pray for her throughout the day I can't get her out of my mind. If I don't talk to her when I'm supposed to I get the pit-in-the-stomach feeling times a million. And every time I do what the Lord asks I think it'll go away and He just asks me to do something else.

The Lord is gracious. Who am I that He takes a second glance at me? Let alone, allow me to see my prayers being answered or continue to whisper to the depths of my heart and tell me what to do next. He has been way too good to me and I don't deserve one things He's blessed me with. I don't deserve the very breath I breathe and so I don't want to waste a single one.

So what next? Up until now He's guided my every step and told me what to do next in a painfully clear way...and I mean painfully. I don't want to disobey Him like I did a month ago, but what is He telling me to do so that I don't disobey? I know what I want to do and, logistically speaking with room&board issues, I need to do, but is it what He wants me to do? Am I being too hasty?

Be not rash with your mouth nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in Heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few. -Ecclesiastes 5:2

I'm searching for Him to tell me what to do. I don't know what to do. All I know is what I need to do logistically. But I don't want to do something out of worldly logic. God works outside of time. He is timeless. Therefore, my logic is blown out of the water. Father, what should I do. Do I face the issue? Or do I let it come to me? I'm lost. I don't want to take this into my own hands because it never turns out good. Father, help me...guide me, please. I need You. Show me what to do. I want to see the world through Your eyes.


She's my only regret and there's no more time to make it right.
So how do you live with regret?