Back to the Cross

Lately, I don't really know what's been going on...with my heart that is. I've been reading about the death of Jesus. My youth pastor, Josh, challenged us some time ago to really get to know Jesus as a person. He was, after all, human. He told us to read through the Gospels and dig into what He said while on earth. The end of each book is the hardest. I can only imagine what it was like to actually be there. You go through this book and read all about this amazing man who did the impossible. You get to know Him and respect Him. It seems as though a lot of people really like Him. Then, the people turn their back on Him. The ultimate backstabbing. Middle school drama was nothing compared to the drama brought on to Jesus. And He just stood there. He stood there and let them beat the tar out of Him. He just let them mock Him and torture Him and gamble away His clothes. He was, as Jimmy Needham put it, "marred beyond recognition in COMPLETE submission to the Father's will". Father has been working on my heart a lot in the past school year, and now He is bringing me back to the basics. Back to the cross. You might recognize the lyrics to a couple of songs. Mighty to Save and Lead Me to the Cross by Hillsong.

Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing, you can't be afraid to tell people. Stop being afraid. I AM here.
Let mercy fall on me, Lord. Give me strength in this trying time. Hold me in Your arms, but push me where You desire.
Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Savior, the Hope of nations. I am that Hope. You don't have time to mess around. Go. Tell her. I AM here. I don't need you, but I want you to tell her.
Savior.
I can move the mountains.
My God, You are mighty to save.
I AM mighty to save.
You are forever. You are the Author of salvation.
I rose and conquered the grave and I can save her. I will take care of the logistics, you just tell her.
Father, I know You are sending me, but I'm scared. What if the money doesn't come? What if I get there and say something wrong? What if I use the wrong word and it doesn't translate well?
Come back to the cross and let Me show you. When I was there I thought of her, too. Tell her that.
Lord, lead me to the cross where Your blood poured out. Bring me to my knees. Lord, I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to You. Lead me.
Shh. Quiet. You are over analyzing everything. Have you already forgotten what I showed you last summer? Have you forgotten everything I've carried you through this year? How easily you forget. You did not get through the past nine months by yourself. When everyone left you, I remained. And I always will. The issue in front of you will never be bigger than Me.
Lead me.
Remember, I was like you; tempted and tried. I was human, too.
Lord, You became flesh and bore my sin and death. Help me remember that with every breath I breathe.
But I rose.
Everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss. Lead me, Lord.
Here. Look up. See.
I see, but Lord, what are they doing?
It must happen.
No! Lord, no!! Stop! Stop whipping Him! Stop torturing Him! He has done nothing wrong!!

CRUCIFY HIM! CRUCIFY HIM!

No!!! Stop!! That's my Jesus! That's my King! My everything! Stop!
Father, forgive these people, for they know not what they do.
No! Jesus! No! I love you! Make them stop! Please don't die. Please. I need You!
Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?
Jesus. I'm sorry.
I told you it must happen. You asked Me to lead you to the cross and so here it is. But this forgiveness I have given you knows no borders. Go. Tell her. Tell her all you've seen and heard. Keep fighting. Keep seeking. Keep praying. For time is scarce, beloved.


The front pages of papers of children raped by rapist
Iraqi torture chambers and we the blame claim we're blameless
Wrong all
And swelling up inside of us there's this pride in us this arrogance
And our only line of defense is the sense that
I'm not as half as bad as this friend of mine so I must be fine
We mean well don't we
Yet I've never seen good intentions set a man free from
Hurt all
This poor unfortunate soul
Filling a single void with toy after toy with girl after boy
How boring this wasn't this meant to be humanity's life story
Warring with Good saying what have you done for me
Bought all
Hanging out for six hours marred beyond recognition
In complete submission to his father will still
A proclamation was made louder than the loudest temptation
With more beauty than all his creation
More eternal than eternity more angelic than the heavenlies
It Is done for you and bought with blood
Accept
Rejoice
For freedom has come
-Jimmy Needham
Benediction

I'm Not Who I Was

Several months or even years ago my good friend, JB, sent me this song and it has been on my mind a lot lately.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
-Brandon Heath
I'm Not Who I Was

As I prepare, like so many other seniors, for graduation I start looking back at the person I was a month, year, or four years ago. I think back to the question Ky and AC asked me during my interview, "What, if anything, is different about you now from when you were in Japan this summer?" Out of anxiousness I said I was the same, but that isn't true. It could not be more UNtrue! I've been through more, experienced some hardcore leadership, and I've learned from that. I have failed in most areas and succeeded in few. I've lost friends I never thought I would and gained friends I never knew I could. I've become more dependent on Father and less dependent on my friends. I am so incredibly different from who I was this summer and this fall.

But sometimes I feel like people view me the same. I know and I can feel this complete transformation, but a lot of the time I feel like no one else can. There are people who don't take me seriously or who think I've changed for other people. Do you honestly think I'm going to change who I am for someone other than the Almighty God? I mean really? Come on! Maybe that's what appeals to me most about college. I mean, I'm going to be rooming with one of the greatest girls on the planet and yes, I know plenty of people who go to HPU, but they are all people who know me. Jami and Chauncey are probably the two people who know me best. So it only makes it easier not to slip back into my old ways...or rather...it makes it more difficult to do so.

I can't wait to be on my own. You know...for my graduation party my mom wants me to make this slide show thing that I did for my brother only for me. In doing so we have, of course, been going through a million baby pictures. I look at them and see my brother and think about how fast life as gone. Sure, the summer I was 15 seemed to take forever to be over with, but in all life has just whizzed by. I see pictures of my brother with a towel around his neck as a cape and think about how he's getting married this Christmas. That blows my mind! He'll be graduating soon and probably headed off to St. Louis for his job! He's going to have children within a couple of years!!! It all rushes through my head and I suddenly get (as Michael Rosen put it) "very frightened"! As much as I can't wait to graduate and go back to Japan, I'm scared to death! Not of actually going, but that my life is moving on. I'm closing a chapter of my life and opening a new one. It's one of those times when every emotion is rolled up into one feeling.

I love this crazy tragic
Sometimes almost magic
Awful beautiful life
-Darryl Worley
Awful Beautiful Life

Out of the Ordinary

I don't really know how to explain what happened today. For the past week or two I feel like I've been stuck. I've been trying to get my heart in the right place when it comes to Japan and this burden of raising money. A few days ago I told Audrey (via Skype Tag ;) ) that I was ready to give this problem over to Father and never pick it up again. I wanted to so badly, but I didn't know how. I knew (as I wrote about last time) that I had to get my heart in the right place because after all "Whatever is in your heart determines what you say" (Luke 6:45). Finally, last night and this morning God woke my heart up and got my attention.

Last night I went to the Village Church to meet up with a teammate of mine, Sarah. We do this on occasion and whoever speaks at the Village always does an AMAZING job! Well, last night Matt was giving an announcement about a missions project they'd been a part of for years when Sarah leaned over and told me something astonishing. She said that at Passion she learned that in Iraq Christianity is at about 3%. Seems low, right? But Japan is only about .5%. My heart broke in two. Matt talked about how they've been working in Guatemala and Asia and how they are going to begin working in Africa. That made me want to throw up. Why doesn't anyone care about Japan??

This morning a lady in our church gave a presentation about missionaries here in the U.S. All I could think over and over was why doesn't anyone care about Japan??? Father reviled three passages to me. In Mark 2:1-5 there is a story about a couple of guys who had a sick friend, but because of the crowd and the chaos they couldn't get him to Jesus in order for him to be healed. They went to the extreme. They dug a hole in the roof and lowered their lame friend down to where Jesus was teaching. I don't know if you know this...but that IS NOT NORMAL!!! They went to the extreme, thought out of the box, and out of the ordinary in order to save ONE person. I don't know what Father has planned for this summer, but I can tell you that there is only one name on my mind for when I get to work over there.

Another passage He showed me was in Luke 11:5-10. I heard this passage spoken about at the Village a few weeks ago and it has stuck with me. It's when Jesus is teaching about praying and being persistent. He says to keep asking, keep looking, and keep knocking. Time is scarce and we can't just ask once and then sit and mope when He says no or not yet.

The last passage He showed me was James 4:7-10.

"So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor."

I have been going about this all wrong. It's true that my heart has been broken for Japan for several years, but not in the right way. Why doesn't anyone care about Japan? Why is it that when people in the American church think of missions they automatically think of Asia, Africa, etc.? I mean, don't get me wrong, they need to hear the Good News, too, but what about Japan? What about the 99.5% of Japan that doesn't know who He is or what He's done? What about those people young and old who commit suicide every single day in Japan? What about those so deeply rooted in their traditions that they can't see the God has called them to a better and more freeing life!?!? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE CARE ABOUT JAPAN?????

You are God of this city
You are King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are

You are light in this darkness
You are hope to the hopeless
You are peace to the restless
You are

For there is no one like our God
There is no one like You, God

Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done here.

You're the Lord of Creation
The Creator of all things
You're the King above all Kings
You are
You're the strength in our weakness
You're the love to the broken
You're the joy in the sadness
You are

-God of This City
Chris Tomlin

Matter of the Heart

"Worry is an intrusion into God's providence." -John Haggai

Wow. Take that in. Personally, I've got a lot on my plate and I know pretty much every high school senior does, too. Especially those going back to Japan this summer who have to balance raising money, not falling prey to senioritis, spending time with family and friends before we go away for the summer and then when we leave again for college. Oh and did I mention there are only 24 hours in the day!? GAH! It would be so awesome to have some fund raiser where I could spend time with my family AND times with my friends! (P.S. I'm serious...if you have ideas, don't be shy!!) Oh and I've got an eight page paper due for my college English.

But then I look at what good 'ol John Haggai said...and I feel about the size of a grain of salt. To think that my worry and, lets face it, my doubt is not just lack of faith in myself, but a lack of faith in the Almighty God!!! I've seen Him do miracles nobody thought possible. I watched a Chinese man get baptized in Japan this summer because of His mighty power!! I've seen sunsets and sunrises that could only He could paint. I've seen His love and power overwhelm my best friend and save her right before my eyes. I have felt His mighty power, His jealously, His tender love, and undeniable sovereignty and I am watching Him work in the heart of a dear friend from school who's family will surely disown him if he believes. So how dare I have lack of faith!? But what is it that needs to change?

"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away your ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer." -Corrie ten Boom

I told you in my last post that Father desires to be the driver. But it's not just a matter of physically scooting over into the other seat...it's a matter of the heart. Dallas Willard once said to "put everything you have into the care of your heart, for it determines what your life amounts to." So ask Father to get your heart in check. I know I need to. My God can do anything!! He's bigger than anything we could ever possibly think of. $2000 is no big thing to Him! It's less than nothing to Him. Faith in every aspect of our life. That is what He demands. He demands our all and more. And isn't He worth it?

easier said than done

"A little faith will bring your soul to heaven, but a lot of faith will bring heaven to your soul."

I forgot who said this, but it was in my devo book the other day. This week as been crazy. It's been a roller coaster of emotions, but at the end of the day I am so glad I went through it. I've been learning so much lately and yet I'm still thirsty for more. I long to just soak it in, but Father keeps telling me that I will learn what I need to learn when I need to learn it.

I've been learning what it means to be completely dependent on Father. I'm not the type of person who typically has a lot of friends. I always have a best friend or two that I'm with all the time. This week Father has taken that part of my life away. He has shown me that He is a jealous God. He has taken everything (or everyone) away that has kept Him from being my best friend. I can honestly say now that He is my best friend. He is the only one I can go to for everything. He is always there. He never lets me down. Unlike other friends of mine He is with me all the time. We are constantly hanging out. Life is one big road trip with Him every single day (see Audrey's latest blog). Before, I would try to take over the navigations. I tried reading a map to a place I've never been. It's taken me too long, but I've learned that it's better to just turn up the music, stick your bare feet out the window, and soak up the Son.

Another thing I'm learning is the difference between saying and actually doing. Telling others and even yourself that you have all this faith in Father is so easy. Anyone can play the part, but Father doesn't want this to be a play. Faith isn't just a noun; something that you have. Faith is a verb. You can't just "have" faith...you have to LIVE faith in your everyday life. So many people put their trust in the Lord for salvation, but Father doesn't ask for just that one thing. He demands everything! Every worry, every doubt, every A, every F, every sunny day, every thunderstorm. He wants it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly.