Moving On

Moving on to bigger, better, and, quite frankly, more sophisticated things...

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Rockstar!

Two posts in one week. I must be really bored. Or really trying to figure something out.

Answer choice C. All of the above.

I've spent basically this entire Christmas break wishing I was back in Brownwood. Back at Howard Payne. Even back in Veda with girls running up and down the hallway well after I've climbed into bed trying to get at least a few hours of sleep before class. But it hit me today that maybe, just maybe, this time I've unwillingly been spending isolated from my HPU friends could be used for the better. It has a purpose. Of course it has a purpose. The purpose of allowing me to sift through the millions of thoughts going through me mind.

And so alas, I find myself here. And why? Why pour my thoughts out on cyberspace where no one really reads this anyway? Exactly. Moving away has changed everything. My friends in Justin and I are not as close. Not by a long shot. Things happened here while I was away that I don't understand. Not anything out of this world, but the town, the people are different. Life moves on and how could I expect anything less. My world has changed, too. For better and worse, things are different. And in the same way things have moved on without me here, things in my heart have changed without my friends from Justin here.

Friendships take time. They take effort. Especially when you go from living three minutes away to three hours. Things couldn't be the same no matter how noble our initial intentions were. So what is it I'm really trying to say? Heck if I know. I just have so much racing through my pea sized brain and not really anyone to talk to about it.

My friends at HPU are scattered all throughout Texas and Colorado for that matter and my friends here in town not only don't understand the changes in my heart, but don't seem to really care to understand them. Even my own mother gets awkward when I start talking about it. If to no one else I should at least be able to talk to my mom, right? And don't get me wrong, I have always been able to talk to Gene about this. He's been absolutely amazing through all of this, but I want a girl. I guess deep down inside I still long for the best friend like I used to have.

And maybe that is what all of this mumbo jumbo is about. I just want someone to talk to that isn't going to leave me the minute I let them in. Someone I can be my crazy self with. If there's anything I've learned through making new friends it's that I'm incredibly shut off from people that could at all potentially be the very friend I've been wanting for almost two years. Prayer is a powerful thing. They say "be careful what you wish for", but my God is much bigger than any genie in a bottle and prayer is much more powerful and life changing than any three wishes that genie could pull out of the air.

So I got my wish. My prayer was answered. And at what expense? I wish with everything inside of me that it didn't have to play out this way, but His plans run so much deeper than my own selfish desires. The point is, this has sucked. This semester has sucked. And if it sucked for me, I can only imagine what it's been for other people. And believe me...I've imagined. But it's time to stop imagining. And that's what this time of reflection has helped me do. Stop standing in the muck of the past. The mud will always be there on the pants that you were wearing the day all that muck was up to your knees...it has stained your heart forever, but you can still keep going. No one could ever forget and there will always be those days where you just sit on the ground and stare at those dirt stained levi's. But I'm tired of sitting on the ground. I've been sitting so long my legs have fallen asleep. But no more. It's time. Time to sing. It's time to get up and dance around. Be crazy. Have fun.

It's time to be the rockstar we were always meant to be.

Rock on.

They push, I pull

Merry Christmas?

I can think of a few people who are not exactly having a "very merry Christmas". Color my green and call my the grinch, but this hasn't exactly been the greatest holiday season.

I'm having a hard time with this whole holiday cheer thing. I know it's supposed to be a celebration, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. After everything that's happened this semester I still can't seem to...I don't know...be joyful? I am, but not where I'm at. But wanting to go back to school goes deeper than just seeing my friends again. I've realized it's because loving my friends at school is so much easier than loving my family. My friends at school are like me. We get along because we're on the same road. We get each other in a way that no one else really ever could and even though I haven't experienced the same things in exactly the same vicinity as them or to the same degree, I still experienced them and it...she...still changed my life. No one here in Justin gets it. And it's not even that they don't get it, it's that they don't care to get it.

So it's Christmas. And a weird one, at that. My brother isn't here, which isn't incredibly as weird as I thought, but still strange. I've learned that presents can tell a lot about a person and how they feel about you. And what have I concluded about my parents? If it were up to them I'd be married in a year or two, pop out a few juniors, and cook for my family all the days of my life in a decent house down the road. What else can one conclude after getting pepper spray, Father of the Bride, and an apron for Christmas? And what do I want? Not the American dream that my parents have in mind, that's for sure. But really, what do I want? No clue.

Do I have to know now? No. I know that. I'm not exactly the country girl most people think of when they think of Justin. I'm not a girly girl either who goes crazy over the fancy crap. I'm a cross cultural studies major, but does that mean that I know for sure that I want to spend the rest of my life overseas? No. I don't know who I am or what I want to do with my life, but I do know that the more my parents push the "american dream" crap down my throat, the less I want it.

Oh and have I mentioned that every time my mother and I are alone all she can talk about is my wedding and how it's going to happen? Oh yeah, everything is "well when YOU get married we'll do this" and "at YOUR wedding we'll have this". I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my parents thinking they have me all figured out and know how my future will play out when I haven't even got my present figured out. How can I even begin to figure out my future when my present still seems so scrambled?

And so the more my parents push this future on me, the more I long for just the opposite...and that affects more than just me. And I'm tired of my life affecting so many people. Is that bad?

Kindly unspoken, you show your emotions and actions speak louder than words.
Lucky I'm clever if I didn't know better I'd believe only that which I've heard.

Whispers of the Heart

I feel like I've had so much going on in my heart and life and so much to say, but no words to match my thoughts with. With that said, I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense.

My freshman class here at HPU has been hit with more tragedy than most classes see in their entire college career. Both of these events have struck a different chord in different people. I'm still trying to process the last one. I'm still not sure how I feel about it, how I should feel about it, or if I even possess the right to feel anything at all. She wasn't a close friend of mine and I didn't know her too well. I should have though. God gave me so many freaking chances to build that friendship and pursue that friendship and I didn't. I knew I should have and I knew God was pushing me to, but I resisted like a fool. I disobeyed. I didn't take the chance to get to know much about her, but what little I did know made her more than just an acquaintance that graduated and went to church with a girl I lived with this summer; it made her my sister. And so I grieve for a sister I barely knew.

I understand that I can't go back and re-meet her here on earth. I can't change the way I disobeyed in the past, but I can change my choices for the future. I don't know if I'm the only one who feels this way, but sometimes when I meet somebody for the first time it's like the Holy Spirit says, "take a good look because you're going to be friends with that person someday". And in that moment I'm scared as hell, but excited. It happened my freshman year of high school during marching band and that girl ended up taking me under her wing and mentoring me and I'm still friends with her to this day. When I saw this other girl during Jacket Journey I heard that same whisper. The way God connects things together is incredibly scary, but really awesome, too.

For the past 27 days I've been praying the same prayer. God has laid her on my heart to pray for her more than He has anything else in my life. If I don't pray for her before I go to bed I can't shut my eyes without seeing her face. If I don't pray for her throughout the day I can't get her out of my mind. If I don't talk to her when I'm supposed to I get the pit-in-the-stomach feeling times a million. And every time I do what the Lord asks I think it'll go away and He just asks me to do something else.

The Lord is gracious. Who am I that He takes a second glance at me? Let alone, allow me to see my prayers being answered or continue to whisper to the depths of my heart and tell me what to do next. He has been way too good to me and I don't deserve one things He's blessed me with. I don't deserve the very breath I breathe and so I don't want to waste a single one.

So what next? Up until now He's guided my every step and told me what to do next in a painfully clear way...and I mean painfully. I don't want to disobey Him like I did a month ago, but what is He telling me to do so that I don't disobey? I know what I want to do and, logistically speaking with room&board issues, I need to do, but is it what He wants me to do? Am I being too hasty?

Be not rash with your mouth nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in Heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few. -Ecclesiastes 5:2

I'm searching for Him to tell me what to do. I don't know what to do. All I know is what I need to do logistically. But I don't want to do something out of worldly logic. God works outside of time. He is timeless. Therefore, my logic is blown out of the water. Father, what should I do. Do I face the issue? Or do I let it come to me? I'm lost. I don't want to take this into my own hands because it never turns out good. Father, help me...guide me, please. I need You. Show me what to do. I want to see the world through Your eyes.


She's my only regret and there's no more time to make it right.
So how do you live with regret?

Who Are You?

I have some of the greatest friends a person could ask for. Friends who challenge me, hold me accountable, are willing to be crazy and stupid with me, and who make me laugh. I love how so many of them can say just one phrase and it brings me to tears laughing. They all have their own unique phrase or a word they say all the time that's just...well...them. They say stuff like, "ahh frak!", "death!", and "blessed!". People who don't know them don't understand, but for me those meaningless phrases trigger memories in my mind. My favorite was this summer when my ministry partner was always saying "who are you!?". Whether she was kidding or serious, it always got me thinking.

In starting college this fall I've obviously started thinking about my future and what I want to do after I graduate. The thought terrifies me, but with a couple of the majors I'm interested in, I don't have long to decide before I have to start taking classes for those majors. People told me all along that your first year of college is when you change the most, but a piece of me didn't believe them.

That was until I went to college and realized that I had been living under this shelter my parents had built for me. A loving shelter, yes, but a shelter nonetheless. All the sudden I had no idea who I was on my own. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. All I knew was that I wasn't the same. I didn't know who I was, but I knew I wasn't the same as before.

I spent the last three summers in Japan and met so many amazing people. I met people from all over the U.S. and the world. They loved Japan, the Japanese, but above all else, they loved the Lord. Many of my teammates claimed to have a broken heart for the Japanese and my roommate in college (who was also one of my teammates) even wants to spend the rest of her life there. I had no idea why God called me there, but I knew I didn't have a heart for the Japanese like they were. It seems like so many people these days have this "calling" for their lives; something they know God has "called" them to do, while I had no idea what I was going to do with my life or what my "calling" was. But what are we as Christians really called to do? Who are we really? Well, I can tell you one thing...we're not called to much.

Jim Elliott once said in a journal, "wherever you are, be all there". I think that in a way, he summed up every Christian's calling in a matter of six words. If you think about all Jesus did and said on His time on earth it's easy to see that we are called to do only two things. Love God and love people. Simple. Straight to the point. If we are doing that wherever we go then we're doing what God has "called" us to do...we are fulfilling our "calling" for our lives. If He choses to send you overseas that's wonderful! But while you're on the plane you are not exempt from your calling. Love God. Love people. No matter where you are, what you're doing, or what time it is.

In chapel yesterday Dr. Wheelington spoke on this. It seems to be a reoccurring theme lately in my life so apparently it's something I need to learn, embrace, and work on. Anyway, he said that you can't have one without the other. You can't love God and ignore His people and you can't just love people and not acknowledge and love the God who created them.

So what's your calling? What's my calling? What is it that we're supposed to do with our lives while we're in college and when we graduate? Simple. Love God. Love people. No matter where you are. I truly believe that if we will all embrace this calling, the rest will be taken care of. Because if we are truly loving God then we're trusting Him with our lives and our time. We're trusting that He will put us where He wants us. And if we're loving Him and loving His people, then we're declaring His glory.

Have you been loving God the way He made you to? Have you been loving His people? Have you been declaring His glory in all you do? I know I haven't. So let's start. This is who I am. This is who you are. Love God. Love people. Ready. Set.

Go.

Learning by paradox

"...we have nothing, and yet we have everything..."
2Corinthians 6:10

How beautiful is this statement. How true. It's the valley. Living and learning by paradox. To have nothing, is to have everything. To be alone, is to be near the ever-present God who NEVER leaves you alone.

Amanda put my heart into words perfectly when she said, "I want to show my family that I love them, but it's also hard to be here." I love my family. Really, I do. But it's also so hard to be here. It's hard when you go from seeing the same girls every single day, to going days, weeks, or even months without them. You don't want to cling to those memories too much, but everything around you reminds you of them. You don't want to be overbearing, but you miss them. You want to live out this new change, but sometimes it feels like the only people who get this new you are the people who you now never see.

I realize that I'll be at college in a week, but this week has been the longest one ever and I've only been back two full days. I still have seven more. And what of those who aren't moving away? Who are where they'll be for the year? Is it the people within Kamiyama that I want to go back to? Or the people of Japan? Is it my flesh that says I won't be back? Or my heart?

So long sweet summer
I stumbled upon you and gracefully basked in your rays.
So long sweet summer
I fell into you now you're gracefully falling away.
-Dashboard Confessional
So Long Sweet Summer

We have NOTHING, and yet we have EVERYTHING

Live and learn by paradox.

The Valley of Vision

Lord, high and holy

meek and lowly,

Thou has brought me

to the valley of vision

where I live in the depths

but see thee in the heights

hemmed in by mountains of sin

I behold thy glory

Let me learn by paradox

that the way down

is the way up

that to be low

is to be high

that the broken heart

is the healed heart

that the contrite spirit

is the rejoicing spirit

that the repenting soul

is the victorious soul

that to have nothing

is to possess all

that to bear the cross

is to wear the crown

that to give

is to receive

that the valley

is the place of vision

Lord, in the daytime

stars can be seen from deepest wells

and the deeper the wells

the brighter thy stars shine.

Let me find thy light in my darkness

thy life in my death

thy joy in my sorrow

thy grace in my sin

thy riches in my poverty

thy glory in my valley

Every time I read this I am amazed. Isn't this how life should be? Rejoice when things are great. Rejoice when things suck. Rejoice. Always. Jesus Christ is more than enough. He should be our everything. He should be so much of our everything that when things are good, we are filled; when things are bad, we are filled. When things aren't really great, but aren't terrible either...we are filled. He is more than enough. It's hard being in this country trying to explain Jesus Christ to someone who doesn't speak your language and has never even heard of anything as crazy as someone healing the lame and raising the dead. Let alone the fact that EVERYTHING is backwards in the eyes of this world. The way up is really down. To be low, really means you're high. To have a broken heart is to have a healed heart. A sad spirit is the rejoicing spirit. The repenting soul is the victorious soul. To have nothing is to have everything. To bear the CROSS is to wear the CROWN. To give is to receive. And the deepest valley is the place of vision.

Praise God for that. Praise Him. He has brought me to the valley and I see things clear. The deeper He takes me, the more clearly I see. By the world's standard that seems so stupid. But through the eyes of The Creator, there's nothing that makes more sense. Hallelujah.

"I cannot offer to my God that which has cost me nothing."

Since when has following Christ cost you something? Gary Fujino (a career missionary here that we work with and AMAZING man of Christ we all look up to) asked us last Monday to count the cost. What has this summer cost us? What was it that we sacrificed to come here? For some it was a car to pay for the trip. For others it was a summer away from friends and family they are so incredibly close to. For me...it cost me my life, my comfort zone, a friendship. Sure, I could have stayed home, worked with the youth, worked things out with some friends, and spent the summer under the stars with the man I love.

But God had something bigger. Something better. At first I didn't want to. Reluctantly, I agreed on faith to step out into the unknown. Sure, I had been to Japan before, but it was still completely different. As Father stripped me of my comfort zone He brought me down to the valley. Friendless and alone I stood in the dark and waited. He is ever faithful. He will never leave you. He has stripped me of all that hindered my sight and brought me to the valley. And there in the valley the stars shine so brightly. Brighter than ever before.

Praise God for the valley.