Rockstar!

Two posts in one week. I must be really bored. Or really trying to figure something out.

Answer choice C. All of the above.

I've spent basically this entire Christmas break wishing I was back in Brownwood. Back at Howard Payne. Even back in Veda with girls running up and down the hallway well after I've climbed into bed trying to get at least a few hours of sleep before class. But it hit me today that maybe, just maybe, this time I've unwillingly been spending isolated from my HPU friends could be used for the better. It has a purpose. Of course it has a purpose. The purpose of allowing me to sift through the millions of thoughts going through me mind.

And so alas, I find myself here. And why? Why pour my thoughts out on cyberspace where no one really reads this anyway? Exactly. Moving away has changed everything. My friends in Justin and I are not as close. Not by a long shot. Things happened here while I was away that I don't understand. Not anything out of this world, but the town, the people are different. Life moves on and how could I expect anything less. My world has changed, too. For better and worse, things are different. And in the same way things have moved on without me here, things in my heart have changed without my friends from Justin here.

Friendships take time. They take effort. Especially when you go from living three minutes away to three hours. Things couldn't be the same no matter how noble our initial intentions were. So what is it I'm really trying to say? Heck if I know. I just have so much racing through my pea sized brain and not really anyone to talk to about it.

My friends at HPU are scattered all throughout Texas and Colorado for that matter and my friends here in town not only don't understand the changes in my heart, but don't seem to really care to understand them. Even my own mother gets awkward when I start talking about it. If to no one else I should at least be able to talk to my mom, right? And don't get me wrong, I have always been able to talk to Gene about this. He's been absolutely amazing through all of this, but I want a girl. I guess deep down inside I still long for the best friend like I used to have.

And maybe that is what all of this mumbo jumbo is about. I just want someone to talk to that isn't going to leave me the minute I let them in. Someone I can be my crazy self with. If there's anything I've learned through making new friends it's that I'm incredibly shut off from people that could at all potentially be the very friend I've been wanting for almost two years. Prayer is a powerful thing. They say "be careful what you wish for", but my God is much bigger than any genie in a bottle and prayer is much more powerful and life changing than any three wishes that genie could pull out of the air.

So I got my wish. My prayer was answered. And at what expense? I wish with everything inside of me that it didn't have to play out this way, but His plans run so much deeper than my own selfish desires. The point is, this has sucked. This semester has sucked. And if it sucked for me, I can only imagine what it's been for other people. And believe me...I've imagined. But it's time to stop imagining. And that's what this time of reflection has helped me do. Stop standing in the muck of the past. The mud will always be there on the pants that you were wearing the day all that muck was up to your knees...it has stained your heart forever, but you can still keep going. No one could ever forget and there will always be those days where you just sit on the ground and stare at those dirt stained levi's. But I'm tired of sitting on the ground. I've been sitting so long my legs have fallen asleep. But no more. It's time. Time to sing. It's time to get up and dance around. Be crazy. Have fun.

It's time to be the rockstar we were always meant to be.

Rock on.

They push, I pull

Merry Christmas?

I can think of a few people who are not exactly having a "very merry Christmas". Color my green and call my the grinch, but this hasn't exactly been the greatest holiday season.

I'm having a hard time with this whole holiday cheer thing. I know it's supposed to be a celebration, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. After everything that's happened this semester I still can't seem to...I don't know...be joyful? I am, but not where I'm at. But wanting to go back to school goes deeper than just seeing my friends again. I've realized it's because loving my friends at school is so much easier than loving my family. My friends at school are like me. We get along because we're on the same road. We get each other in a way that no one else really ever could and even though I haven't experienced the same things in exactly the same vicinity as them or to the same degree, I still experienced them and it...she...still changed my life. No one here in Justin gets it. And it's not even that they don't get it, it's that they don't care to get it.

So it's Christmas. And a weird one, at that. My brother isn't here, which isn't incredibly as weird as I thought, but still strange. I've learned that presents can tell a lot about a person and how they feel about you. And what have I concluded about my parents? If it were up to them I'd be married in a year or two, pop out a few juniors, and cook for my family all the days of my life in a decent house down the road. What else can one conclude after getting pepper spray, Father of the Bride, and an apron for Christmas? And what do I want? Not the American dream that my parents have in mind, that's for sure. But really, what do I want? No clue.

Do I have to know now? No. I know that. I'm not exactly the country girl most people think of when they think of Justin. I'm not a girly girl either who goes crazy over the fancy crap. I'm a cross cultural studies major, but does that mean that I know for sure that I want to spend the rest of my life overseas? No. I don't know who I am or what I want to do with my life, but I do know that the more my parents push the "american dream" crap down my throat, the less I want it.

Oh and have I mentioned that every time my mother and I are alone all she can talk about is my wedding and how it's going to happen? Oh yeah, everything is "well when YOU get married we'll do this" and "at YOUR wedding we'll have this". I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my parents thinking they have me all figured out and know how my future will play out when I haven't even got my present figured out. How can I even begin to figure out my future when my present still seems so scrambled?

And so the more my parents push this future on me, the more I long for just the opposite...and that affects more than just me. And I'm tired of my life affecting so many people. Is that bad?

Kindly unspoken, you show your emotions and actions speak louder than words.
Lucky I'm clever if I didn't know better I'd believe only that which I've heard.