Captivated

I must confess to anyone that reads this that I have been wrong. Severely wrong. I have been searching for Him in the wrong place. Asking the wrong questions. Thank God for best friends and future roommates who help nudge you back on path.

On Friday night our church had this ladies conference. Before the first session starts we're all just sitting in chairs chatting a bit. I'm sitting next to Michelle who sits next to Ashley A., who sits next to Ashley W. Michelle and I are just talking and catching up (since we NEVER get to see each other! :[ ) All the sudden I just start crying. Not in an obvious way, but Michelle and can tell something isn't right. I explained to her that it was just so weird being here with her (Ash), but not BEING with her. It used to be that when she walked in the same building I knew she was there even if I couldn't see her. Now we sat on opposite ends of the bench and barely said two words. I mean, it's bad enough that I don't feel at home in my church, but with things having gone so a rye between she and I, it was hard to feel anything but pain.

Anyway, fast forward to today (Monday). I'm driving home from my college classes and call Chauncey so see what's up. I really had no intention on telling her what happened this weekend, but you know what it's like when you get two girls talking! haha! Well, I didn't even get a chance to finish the story, but she knew my heart anyway. She knew what was going on. Later this evening I get a voicemail from her. She tells me that sometimes, just like Ash and I were so close yet not together in spirit, Father is so close to us, but WE don't cling to Him.

He longs to captivate us. For us to notice. It's just like girls and guys. Why is it that girls spend hours getting all dolled up for prom? I'll tell you why. It's because when we walk down those stairs (or aisle when you get married) you want to take the breath away from the man on the other side. You want him to be captivated not only by your outward beauty, but the beauty of your heart. You want him to have eyes for only you. Father wants to do that same things. Only He didn't walk down stairs or an aisle. He walked down a dusty road surrounded by people yelling and spitting on him. He walked through a riot with a huge cross on the shoulder. He didn't get His hair done at some salon. He wore a crown of thorns instead. He was unrecognizable, but not for good. But even though He looked more like and animal than human, He was more beautiful than all the Lord's creations.

Father wants to captivate us with His beauty. He reveals His beauty everyday in nature. From the trees blowing in the wind, the flowers popping up, the birds singing in the air, or the fields of green grass. Let Him captivate you. Stop trying to captivate things and people of this world. Humans will always let you down. The One who created you will NEVER let you fall.

I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
Would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming
and you'd want to call me
And I would be there every time
you'd need me
I'd be there every time...
But for now I'll look so longingly
waiting...
For you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me
-For You to Notice
Dashboard Confessional

Roots and Wings

It's like the best days under the sun
Every emotion rolled into one
A little of this, A little of that
Kinda happy, Kinda sad

When she came up to the group of girls I was talking to all I could do was look at her and wonder what happened. When she texted me today to apologize, all I could think was "why can't we go back?" On one hand I wish with all my might that we could go back in time to two years ago when things were simple and we stayed up to all hours of the night going from one conversation topic to the next. But on the other hand I long with every fiber of my being to move on.

"You can't have wings and roots, Mel."
"Maybe I could just fly south for the winter?"
-Sweet Home Alabama

I don't know how to have both or if I even want both. I want her in my life, but I don't want it to hinder the friendships that are in my future. I fear if things are mended between her and I that it will cause a rift between my future roommate and best friend.

I wish I didn't care. I wish I could just forget you. I wish this wasn't so complicated. I wish I could have roots and wings. I wish I could close this chapter with no regrets and no worries. But of course...life isn't that easy...and I do care. More than you will ever know. I still love you and wish we could go driving for hours like before. Before boys and family happened. Lets run away for a while...run away from life...please?

I secretly hope that when I leave this summer I could put it all behind me and when I start college this fall that I could start new friendships that don't leave me thinking about her all night...but something tells me that's not going to happen..

Tomorrow Child

I know where I get my love for music. My mother. Music speaks to her like it does me. When my brother and I were born she picked out a song to play for us on our first car ride home. My brother's song was Beautiful Boy by The Beatles (obviously, my father had an input on that one) and mine is Tomorrow Child by David Soul. I've recently listened to it for the first time in about 18 1/2 years and absolutely fell in love with it.

What song to sing my tomorrow child
Still so small and new?
What shall I say to show the way?
What games to play with you?
The world turns quickly now
And changes every mile
What shall I say to show the way?
Tomorrow child

I can't tell you what your life will be
Time will show you roads that I can't see
And if they carry you away from me
Then go with love
Whatever travels you may wander through
Whatever wonders you may some day do
Take my lullaby along with you
And go with love
Tomorrow child

I'll give you room to find your way
Just near enough to hear the things you need to say
And if you lose your way or wander there a while
The world is all my gift to you
Tomorrow child

I think about the future and having my own children and I can't imagine letting them do what my parents allow me to do. It takes more faith than I can fathom to let your own flesh and blood travel to a different country for months at a time. And yet my mother sings to me, "what wonders you may some day do, take my lullaby along with you, and go with love, tomorrow child." I love my mom so much. I love my dad so much. They have given me room to find my way even though it meant going overseas. I know I don't say it as much as I should and I can't really find the right words to say it in, but...

Thank you mom and dad for letting me become the tomorrow child Father made me to be.

I love you.

Love,
Your Tomorrow Child

P.S. Praise Father that Chelsea is ok. My friend was in a car wreck the other day, but she is doing much better.