Two posts in one week. I must be really bored. Or really trying to figure something out.
Answer choice C. All of the above.
I've spent basically this entire Christmas break wishing I was back in Brownwood. Back at Howard Payne. Even back in Veda with girls running up and down the hallway well after I've climbed into bed trying to get at least a few hours of sleep before class. But it hit me today that maybe, just maybe, this time I've unwillingly been spending isolated from my HPU friends could be used for the better. It has a purpose. Of course it has a purpose. The purpose of allowing me to sift through the millions of thoughts going through me mind.
And so alas, I find myself here. And why? Why pour my thoughts out on cyberspace where no one really reads this anyway? Exactly. Moving away has changed everything. My friends in Justin and I are not as close. Not by a long shot. Things happened here while I was away that I don't understand. Not anything out of this world, but the town, the people are different. Life moves on and how could I expect anything less. My world has changed, too. For better and worse, things are different. And in the same way things have moved on without me here, things in my heart have changed without my friends from Justin here.
Friendships take time. They take effort. Especially when you go from living three minutes away to three hours. Things couldn't be the same no matter how noble our initial intentions were. So what is it I'm really trying to say? Heck if I know. I just have so much racing through my pea sized brain and not really anyone to talk to about it.
My friends at HPU are scattered all throughout Texas and Colorado for that matter and my friends here in town not only don't understand the changes in my heart, but don't seem to really care to understand them. Even my own mother gets awkward when I start talking about it. If to no one else I should at least be able to talk to my mom, right? And don't get me wrong, I have always been able to talk to Gene about this. He's been absolutely amazing through all of this, but I want a girl. I guess deep down inside I still long for the best friend like I used to have.
And maybe that is what all of this mumbo jumbo is about. I just want someone to talk to that isn't going to leave me the minute I let them in. Someone I can be my crazy self with. If there's anything I've learned through making new friends it's that I'm incredibly shut off from people that could at all potentially be the very friend I've been wanting for almost two years. Prayer is a powerful thing. They say "be careful what you wish for", but my God is much bigger than any genie in a bottle and prayer is much more powerful and life changing than any three wishes that genie could pull out of the air.
So I got my wish. My prayer was answered. And at what expense? I wish with everything inside of me that it didn't have to play out this way, but His plans run so much deeper than my own selfish desires. The point is, this has sucked. This semester has sucked. And if it sucked for me, I can only imagine what it's been for other people. And believe me...I've imagined. But it's time to stop imagining. And that's what this time of reflection has helped me do. Stop standing in the muck of the past. The mud will always be there on the pants that you were wearing the day all that muck was up to your knees...it has stained your heart forever, but you can still keep going. No one could ever forget and there will always be those days where you just sit on the ground and stare at those dirt stained levi's. But I'm tired of sitting on the ground. I've been sitting so long my legs have fallen asleep. But no more. It's time. Time to sing. It's time to get up and dance around. Be crazy. Have fun.
It's time to be the rockstar we were always meant to be.
Rock on.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
They push, I pull
Merry Christmas?
I can think of a few people who are not exactly having a "very merry Christmas". Color my green and call my the grinch, but this hasn't exactly been the greatest holiday season.
I'm having a hard time with this whole holiday cheer thing. I know it's supposed to be a celebration, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. After everything that's happened this semester I still can't seem to...I don't know...be joyful? I am, but not where I'm at. But wanting to go back to school goes deeper than just seeing my friends again. I've realized it's because loving my friends at school is so much easier than loving my family. My friends at school are like me. We get along because we're on the same road. We get each other in a way that no one else really ever could and even though I haven't experienced the same things in exactly the same vicinity as them or to the same degree, I still experienced them and it...she...still changed my life. No one here in Justin gets it. And it's not even that they don't get it, it's that they don't care to get it.
So it's Christmas. And a weird one, at that. My brother isn't here, which isn't incredibly as weird as I thought, but still strange. I've learned that presents can tell a lot about a person and how they feel about you. And what have I concluded about my parents? If it were up to them I'd be married in a year or two, pop out a few juniors, and cook for my family all the days of my life in a decent house down the road. What else can one conclude after getting pepper spray, Father of the Bride, and an apron for Christmas? And what do I want? Not the American dream that my parents have in mind, that's for sure. But really, what do I want? No clue.
Do I have to know now? No. I know that. I'm not exactly the country girl most people think of when they think of Justin. I'm not a girly girl either who goes crazy over the fancy crap. I'm a cross cultural studies major, but does that mean that I know for sure that I want to spend the rest of my life overseas? No. I don't know who I am or what I want to do with my life, but I do know that the more my parents push the "american dream" crap down my throat, the less I want it.
Oh and have I mentioned that every time my mother and I are alone all she can talk about is my wedding and how it's going to happen? Oh yeah, everything is "well when YOU get married we'll do this" and "at YOUR wedding we'll have this". I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my parents thinking they have me all figured out and know how my future will play out when I haven't even got my present figured out. How can I even begin to figure out my future when my present still seems so scrambled?
And so the more my parents push this future on me, the more I long for just the opposite...and that affects more than just me. And I'm tired of my life affecting so many people. Is that bad?
Kindly unspoken, you show your emotions and actions speak louder than words.
Lucky I'm clever if I didn't know better I'd believe only that which I've heard.
I can think of a few people who are not exactly having a "very merry Christmas". Color my green and call my the grinch, but this hasn't exactly been the greatest holiday season.
I'm having a hard time with this whole holiday cheer thing. I know it's supposed to be a celebration, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. After everything that's happened this semester I still can't seem to...I don't know...be joyful? I am, but not where I'm at. But wanting to go back to school goes deeper than just seeing my friends again. I've realized it's because loving my friends at school is so much easier than loving my family. My friends at school are like me. We get along because we're on the same road. We get each other in a way that no one else really ever could and even though I haven't experienced the same things in exactly the same vicinity as them or to the same degree, I still experienced them and it...she...still changed my life. No one here in Justin gets it. And it's not even that they don't get it, it's that they don't care to get it.
So it's Christmas. And a weird one, at that. My brother isn't here, which isn't incredibly as weird as I thought, but still strange. I've learned that presents can tell a lot about a person and how they feel about you. And what have I concluded about my parents? If it were up to them I'd be married in a year or two, pop out a few juniors, and cook for my family all the days of my life in a decent house down the road. What else can one conclude after getting pepper spray, Father of the Bride, and an apron for Christmas? And what do I want? Not the American dream that my parents have in mind, that's for sure. But really, what do I want? No clue.
Do I have to know now? No. I know that. I'm not exactly the country girl most people think of when they think of Justin. I'm not a girly girl either who goes crazy over the fancy crap. I'm a cross cultural studies major, but does that mean that I know for sure that I want to spend the rest of my life overseas? No. I don't know who I am or what I want to do with my life, but I do know that the more my parents push the "american dream" crap down my throat, the less I want it.
Oh and have I mentioned that every time my mother and I are alone all she can talk about is my wedding and how it's going to happen? Oh yeah, everything is "well when YOU get married we'll do this" and "at YOUR wedding we'll have this". I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my parents thinking they have me all figured out and know how my future will play out when I haven't even got my present figured out. How can I even begin to figure out my future when my present still seems so scrambled?
And so the more my parents push this future on me, the more I long for just the opposite...and that affects more than just me. And I'm tired of my life affecting so many people. Is that bad?
Kindly unspoken, you show your emotions and actions speak louder than words.
Lucky I'm clever if I didn't know better I'd believe only that which I've heard.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Whispers of the Heart
I feel like I've had so much going on in my heart and life and so much to say, but no words to match my thoughts with. With that said, I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense.
My freshman class here at HPU has been hit with more tragedy than most classes see in their entire college career. Both of these events have struck a different chord in different people. I'm still trying to process the last one. I'm still not sure how I feel about it, how I should feel about it, or if I even possess the right to feel anything at all. She wasn't a close friend of mine and I didn't know her too well. I should have though. God gave me so many freaking chances to build that friendship and pursue that friendship and I didn't. I knew I should have and I knew God was pushing me to, but I resisted like a fool. I disobeyed. I didn't take the chance to get to know much about her, but what little I did know made her more than just an acquaintance that graduated and went to church with a girl I lived with this summer; it made her my sister. And so I grieve for a sister I barely knew.
I understand that I can't go back and re-meet her here on earth. I can't change the way I disobeyed in the past, but I can change my choices for the future. I don't know if I'm the only one who feels this way, but sometimes when I meet somebody for the first time it's like the Holy Spirit says, "take a good look because you're going to be friends with that person someday". And in that moment I'm scared as hell, but excited. It happened my freshman year of high school during marching band and that girl ended up taking me under her wing and mentoring me and I'm still friends with her to this day. When I saw this other girl during Jacket Journey I heard that same whisper. The way God connects things together is incredibly scary, but really awesome, too.
For the past 27 days I've been praying the same prayer. God has laid her on my heart to pray for her more than He has anything else in my life. If I don't pray for her before I go to bed I can't shut my eyes without seeing her face. If I don't pray for her throughout the day I can't get her out of my mind. If I don't talk to her when I'm supposed to I get the pit-in-the-stomach feeling times a million. And every time I do what the Lord asks I think it'll go away and He just asks me to do something else.
The Lord is gracious. Who am I that He takes a second glance at me? Let alone, allow me to see my prayers being answered or continue to whisper to the depths of my heart and tell me what to do next. He has been way too good to me and I don't deserve one things He's blessed me with. I don't deserve the very breath I breathe and so I don't want to waste a single one.
So what next? Up until now He's guided my every step and told me what to do next in a painfully clear way...and I mean painfully. I don't want to disobey Him like I did a month ago, but what is He telling me to do so that I don't disobey? I know what I want to do and, logistically speaking with room&board issues, I need to do, but is it what He wants me to do? Am I being too hasty?
Be not rash with your mouth nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in Heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few. -Ecclesiastes 5:2
I'm searching for Him to tell me what to do. I don't know what to do. All I know is what I need to do logistically. But I don't want to do something out of worldly logic. God works outside of time. He is timeless. Therefore, my logic is blown out of the water. Father, what should I do. Do I face the issue? Or do I let it come to me? I'm lost. I don't want to take this into my own hands because it never turns out good. Father, help me...guide me, please. I need You. Show me what to do. I want to see the world through Your eyes.
She's my only regret and there's no more time to make it right.
So how do you live with regret?
My freshman class here at HPU has been hit with more tragedy than most classes see in their entire college career. Both of these events have struck a different chord in different people. I'm still trying to process the last one. I'm still not sure how I feel about it, how I should feel about it, or if I even possess the right to feel anything at all. She wasn't a close friend of mine and I didn't know her too well. I should have though. God gave me so many freaking chances to build that friendship and pursue that friendship and I didn't. I knew I should have and I knew God was pushing me to, but I resisted like a fool. I disobeyed. I didn't take the chance to get to know much about her, but what little I did know made her more than just an acquaintance that graduated and went to church with a girl I lived with this summer; it made her my sister. And so I grieve for a sister I barely knew.
I understand that I can't go back and re-meet her here on earth. I can't change the way I disobeyed in the past, but I can change my choices for the future. I don't know if I'm the only one who feels this way, but sometimes when I meet somebody for the first time it's like the Holy Spirit says, "take a good look because you're going to be friends with that person someday". And in that moment I'm scared as hell, but excited. It happened my freshman year of high school during marching band and that girl ended up taking me under her wing and mentoring me and I'm still friends with her to this day. When I saw this other girl during Jacket Journey I heard that same whisper. The way God connects things together is incredibly scary, but really awesome, too.
For the past 27 days I've been praying the same prayer. God has laid her on my heart to pray for her more than He has anything else in my life. If I don't pray for her before I go to bed I can't shut my eyes without seeing her face. If I don't pray for her throughout the day I can't get her out of my mind. If I don't talk to her when I'm supposed to I get the pit-in-the-stomach feeling times a million. And every time I do what the Lord asks I think it'll go away and He just asks me to do something else.
The Lord is gracious. Who am I that He takes a second glance at me? Let alone, allow me to see my prayers being answered or continue to whisper to the depths of my heart and tell me what to do next. He has been way too good to me and I don't deserve one things He's blessed me with. I don't deserve the very breath I breathe and so I don't want to waste a single one.
So what next? Up until now He's guided my every step and told me what to do next in a painfully clear way...and I mean painfully. I don't want to disobey Him like I did a month ago, but what is He telling me to do so that I don't disobey? I know what I want to do and, logistically speaking with room&board issues, I need to do, but is it what He wants me to do? Am I being too hasty?
Be not rash with your mouth nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in Heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few. -Ecclesiastes 5:2
I'm searching for Him to tell me what to do. I don't know what to do. All I know is what I need to do logistically. But I don't want to do something out of worldly logic. God works outside of time. He is timeless. Therefore, my logic is blown out of the water. Father, what should I do. Do I face the issue? Or do I let it come to me? I'm lost. I don't want to take this into my own hands because it never turns out good. Father, help me...guide me, please. I need You. Show me what to do. I want to see the world through Your eyes.
She's my only regret and there's no more time to make it right.
So how do you live with regret?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Who Are You?
I have some of the greatest friends a person could ask for. Friends who challenge me, hold me accountable, are willing to be crazy and stupid with me, and who make me laugh. I love how so many of them can say just one phrase and it brings me to tears laughing. They all have their own unique phrase or a word they say all the time that's just...well...them. They say stuff like, "ahh frak!", "death!", and "blessed!". People who don't know them don't understand, but for me those meaningless phrases trigger memories in my mind. My favorite was this summer when my ministry partner was always saying "who are you!?". Whether she was kidding or serious, it always got me thinking.
In starting college this fall I've obviously started thinking about my future and what I want to do after I graduate. The thought terrifies me, but with a couple of the majors I'm interested in, I don't have long to decide before I have to start taking classes for those majors. People told me all along that your first year of college is when you change the most, but a piece of me didn't believe them.
That was until I went to college and realized that I had been living under this shelter my parents had built for me. A loving shelter, yes, but a shelter nonetheless. All the sudden I had no idea who I was on my own. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. All I knew was that I wasn't the same. I didn't know who I was, but I knew I wasn't the same as before.
I spent the last three summers in Japan and met so many amazing people. I met people from all over the U.S. and the world. They loved Japan, the Japanese, but above all else, they loved the Lord. Many of my teammates claimed to have a broken heart for the Japanese and my roommate in college (who was also one of my teammates) even wants to spend the rest of her life there. I had no idea why God called me there, but I knew I didn't have a heart for the Japanese like they were. It seems like so many people these days have this "calling" for their lives; something they know God has "called" them to do, while I had no idea what I was going to do with my life or what my "calling" was. But what are we as Christians really called to do? Who are we really? Well, I can tell you one thing...we're not called to much.
Jim Elliott once said in a journal, "wherever you are, be all there". I think that in a way, he summed up every Christian's calling in a matter of six words. If you think about all Jesus did and said on His time on earth it's easy to see that we are called to do only two things. Love God and love people. Simple. Straight to the point. If we are doing that wherever we go then we're doing what God has "called" us to do...we are fulfilling our "calling" for our lives. If He choses to send you overseas that's wonderful! But while you're on the plane you are not exempt from your calling. Love God. Love people. No matter where you are, what you're doing, or what time it is.
In chapel yesterday Dr. Wheelington spoke on this. It seems to be a reoccurring theme lately in my life so apparently it's something I need to learn, embrace, and work on. Anyway, he said that you can't have one without the other. You can't love God and ignore His people and you can't just love people and not acknowledge and love the God who created them.
So what's your calling? What's my calling? What is it that we're supposed to do with our lives while we're in college and when we graduate? Simple. Love God. Love people. No matter where you are. I truly believe that if we will all embrace this calling, the rest will be taken care of. Because if we are truly loving God then we're trusting Him with our lives and our time. We're trusting that He will put us where He wants us. And if we're loving Him and loving His people, then we're declaring His glory.
Have you been loving God the way He made you to? Have you been loving His people? Have you been declaring His glory in all you do? I know I haven't. So let's start. This is who I am. This is who you are. Love God. Love people. Ready. Set.
Go.
In starting college this fall I've obviously started thinking about my future and what I want to do after I graduate. The thought terrifies me, but with a couple of the majors I'm interested in, I don't have long to decide before I have to start taking classes for those majors. People told me all along that your first year of college is when you change the most, but a piece of me didn't believe them.
That was until I went to college and realized that I had been living under this shelter my parents had built for me. A loving shelter, yes, but a shelter nonetheless. All the sudden I had no idea who I was on my own. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. All I knew was that I wasn't the same. I didn't know who I was, but I knew I wasn't the same as before.
I spent the last three summers in Japan and met so many amazing people. I met people from all over the U.S. and the world. They loved Japan, the Japanese, but above all else, they loved the Lord. Many of my teammates claimed to have a broken heart for the Japanese and my roommate in college (who was also one of my teammates) even wants to spend the rest of her life there. I had no idea why God called me there, but I knew I didn't have a heart for the Japanese like they were. It seems like so many people these days have this "calling" for their lives; something they know God has "called" them to do, while I had no idea what I was going to do with my life or what my "calling" was. But what are we as Christians really called to do? Who are we really? Well, I can tell you one thing...we're not called to much.
Jim Elliott once said in a journal, "wherever you are, be all there". I think that in a way, he summed up every Christian's calling in a matter of six words. If you think about all Jesus did and said on His time on earth it's easy to see that we are called to do only two things. Love God and love people. Simple. Straight to the point. If we are doing that wherever we go then we're doing what God has "called" us to do...we are fulfilling our "calling" for our lives. If He choses to send you overseas that's wonderful! But while you're on the plane you are not exempt from your calling. Love God. Love people. No matter where you are, what you're doing, or what time it is.
In chapel yesterday Dr. Wheelington spoke on this. It seems to be a reoccurring theme lately in my life so apparently it's something I need to learn, embrace, and work on. Anyway, he said that you can't have one without the other. You can't love God and ignore His people and you can't just love people and not acknowledge and love the God who created them.
So what's your calling? What's my calling? What is it that we're supposed to do with our lives while we're in college and when we graduate? Simple. Love God. Love people. No matter where you are. I truly believe that if we will all embrace this calling, the rest will be taken care of. Because if we are truly loving God then we're trusting Him with our lives and our time. We're trusting that He will put us where He wants us. And if we're loving Him and loving His people, then we're declaring His glory.
Have you been loving God the way He made you to? Have you been loving His people? Have you been declaring His glory in all you do? I know I haven't. So let's start. This is who I am. This is who you are. Love God. Love people. Ready. Set.
Go.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Learning by paradox
"...we have nothing, and yet we have everything..."
2Corinthians 6:10
How beautiful is this statement. How true. It's the valley. Living and learning by paradox. To have nothing, is to have everything. To be alone, is to be near the ever-present God who NEVER leaves you alone.
Amanda put my heart into words perfectly when she said, "I want to show my family that I love them, but it's also hard to be here." I love my family. Really, I do. But it's also so hard to be here. It's hard when you go from seeing the same girls every single day, to going days, weeks, or even months without them. You don't want to cling to those memories too much, but everything around you reminds you of them. You don't want to be overbearing, but you miss them. You want to live out this new change, but sometimes it feels like the only people who get this new you are the people who you now never see.
I realize that I'll be at college in a week, but this week has been the longest one ever and I've only been back two full days. I still have seven more. And what of those who aren't moving away? Who are where they'll be for the year? Is it the people within Kamiyama that I want to go back to? Or the people of Japan? Is it my flesh that says I won't be back? Or my heart?
So long sweet summer
I stumbled upon you and gracefully basked in your rays.
So long sweet summer
I fell into you now you're gracefully falling away.
-Dashboard Confessional
So Long Sweet Summer
We have NOTHING, and yet we have EVERYTHING
Live and learn by paradox.
2Corinthians 6:10
How beautiful is this statement. How true. It's the valley. Living and learning by paradox. To have nothing, is to have everything. To be alone, is to be near the ever-present God who NEVER leaves you alone.
Amanda put my heart into words perfectly when she said, "I want to show my family that I love them, but it's also hard to be here." I love my family. Really, I do. But it's also so hard to be here. It's hard when you go from seeing the same girls every single day, to going days, weeks, or even months without them. You don't want to cling to those memories too much, but everything around you reminds you of them. You don't want to be overbearing, but you miss them. You want to live out this new change, but sometimes it feels like the only people who get this new you are the people who you now never see.
I realize that I'll be at college in a week, but this week has been the longest one ever and I've only been back two full days. I still have seven more. And what of those who aren't moving away? Who are where they'll be for the year? Is it the people within Kamiyama that I want to go back to? Or the people of Japan? Is it my flesh that says I won't be back? Or my heart?
So long sweet summer
I stumbled upon you and gracefully basked in your rays.
So long sweet summer
I fell into you now you're gracefully falling away.
-Dashboard Confessional
So Long Sweet Summer
We have NOTHING, and yet we have EVERYTHING
Live and learn by paradox.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The Valley of Vision
Lord, high and holy
meek and lowly,
Thou has brought me
to the valley of vision
where I live in the depths
but see thee in the heights
hemmed in by mountains of sin
I behold thy glory
Let me learn by paradox
that the way down
is the way up
that to be low
is to be high
that the broken heart
is the healed heart
that the contrite spirit
is the rejoicing spirit
that the repenting soul
is the victorious soul
that to have nothing
is to possess all
that to bear the cross
is to wear the crown
that to give
is to receive
that the valley
is the place of vision
Lord, in the daytime
stars can be seen from deepest wells
and the deeper the wells
the brighter thy stars shine.
Let me find thy light in my darkness
thy life in my death
thy joy in my sorrow
thy grace in my sin
thy riches in my poverty
thy glory in my valley
Every time I read this I am amazed. Isn't this how life should be? Rejoice when things are great. Rejoice when things suck. Rejoice. Always. Jesus Christ is more than enough. He should be our everything. He should be so much of our everything that when things are good, we are filled; when things are bad, we are filled. When things aren't really great, but aren't terrible either...we are filled. He is more than enough. It's hard being in this country trying to explain Jesus Christ to someone who doesn't speak your language and has never even heard of anything as crazy as someone healing the lame and raising the dead. Let alone the fact that EVERYTHING is backwards in the eyes of this world. The way up is really down. To be low, really means you're high. To have a broken heart is to have a healed heart. A sad spirit is the rejoicing spirit. The repenting soul is the victorious soul. To have nothing is to have everything. To bear the CROSS is to wear the CROWN. To give is to receive. And the deepest valley is the place of vision.
Praise God for that. Praise Him. He has brought me to the valley and I see things clear. The deeper He takes me, the more clearly I see. By the world's standard that seems so stupid. But through the eyes of The Creator, there's nothing that makes more sense. Hallelujah.
"I cannot offer to my God that which has cost me nothing."
Since when has following Christ cost you something? Gary Fujino (a career missionary here that we work with and AMAZING man of Christ we all look up to) asked us last Monday to count the cost. What has this summer cost us? What was it that we sacrificed to come here? For some it was a car to pay for the trip. For others it was a summer away from friends and family they are so incredibly close to. For me...it cost me my life, my comfort zone, a friendship. Sure, I could have stayed home, worked with the youth, worked things out with some friends, and spent the summer under the stars with the man I love.
But God had something bigger. Something better. At first I didn't want to. Reluctantly, I agreed on faith to step out into the unknown. Sure, I had been to Japan before, but it was still completely different. As Father stripped me of my comfort zone He brought me down to the valley. Friendless and alone I stood in the dark and waited. He is ever faithful. He will never leave you. He has stripped me of all that hindered my sight and brought me to the valley. And there in the valley the stars shine so brightly. Brighter than ever before.
Praise God for the valley.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
beauty continued...
As I get to know more of the girls I can't help but see more and more beauty. But it's more than beauty...it's love. Love for one another, love for the Japanese, love for the volunteers. Love for people.
I could listen to this girl talk forever. She chases after Him, but isn't afraid to let people know she's struggling. She loves youth. She loves music. She loves people. That is a beautiful thing.
I see beauty all around.
She has dreams and goals too big for any college. Her love shows through her smile. Her passions overflow from her eyes and her love for people, and more importantly Him, is contagious. That is a beautiful thing.
I see beauty all around.
Do not mistake these posts as me putting these girls up on a platform for all the world to see. It is not beauty in them I see, but rather in Him through them. One of the girls here told me a recent story of how Father showed her the filth in her life, and you know what? It is a beautiful thing. We are so undeserving. So unworthy of being here. We are dirty, messed up, and anything but perfect. We are not the example we should be and we don't always do everything right. And yet God has allowed us to be here.
That is a beautiful thing.
I could listen to this girl talk forever. She chases after Him, but isn't afraid to let people know she's struggling. She loves youth. She loves music. She loves people. That is a beautiful thing.
I see beauty all around.
She has dreams and goals too big for any college. Her love shows through her smile. Her passions overflow from her eyes and her love for people, and more importantly Him, is contagious. That is a beautiful thing.
I see beauty all around.
Do not mistake these posts as me putting these girls up on a platform for all the world to see. It is not beauty in them I see, but rather in Him through them. One of the girls here told me a recent story of how Father showed her the filth in her life, and you know what? It is a beautiful thing. We are so undeserving. So unworthy of being here. We are dirty, messed up, and anything but perfect. We are not the example we should be and we don't always do everything right. And yet God has allowed us to be here.
That is a beautiful thing.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Beautiful.
I see beauty all around me. It fills the 10 bunk beds around my own and the other room of identical bunk beds just across the hall. I see beauty in the hearts and their actions.
I see beauty all around me.
She is gentle, sweet, yet challenges me in everything. She seeks after Him in all she does. Her heart runs after Father and that is a beautiful thing.
I see beauty all around me.
This girl is creative and has beautiful dreams to glorify a beautiful God. She listens intently and glorifies Him in all she says and that is a beautiful thing.
I see beauty all around me.
This one is probably the most creative of them all. Her smile reveals her tender heart and you can't help but laugh when she talks. And when she sings, she sings for Him and that is a beautiful thing.
I see beauty all around me.
She's got a smile that lights the room and always hands out hugs before bed. Things may not always be peachy, but she seeks after Him anyway and that is a beautiful thing.
I see beauty all around me.
I could go on forever about all these girls, but I think you get the idea. Each one has something beautiful to offer to the Lord. I have the undeserving pleasure of seeing the hearts of these girls everyday and what is see is beauty. Beauty that can only come from the Lord. Just simply watching them talk while waiting for dinner makes me sit back and thank God for the beauty in this team. There are so many of us and it's beautiful. Sitting in the Veloce just talking our struggles out with a teammate is a beautiful thing. Thinking about how Father crafted our team and put us together is a beautiful thing. The fact that me and the one girl I'm with the most this summer won't have to say goodbye on August 6th is a beautiful thing. Thank you, Father, for crafting our team in such an intimate way. Thank you for showing me Your beauty through this team of Your servants. Thank you for being a wonderful and beautiful God. I love you. Amen.
I see beauty all around me.
She is gentle, sweet, yet challenges me in everything. She seeks after Him in all she does. Her heart runs after Father and that is a beautiful thing.
I see beauty all around me.
This girl is creative and has beautiful dreams to glorify a beautiful God. She listens intently and glorifies Him in all she says and that is a beautiful thing.
I see beauty all around me.
This one is probably the most creative of them all. Her smile reveals her tender heart and you can't help but laugh when she talks. And when she sings, she sings for Him and that is a beautiful thing.
I see beauty all around me.
She's got a smile that lights the room and always hands out hugs before bed. Things may not always be peachy, but she seeks after Him anyway and that is a beautiful thing.
I see beauty all around me.
I could go on forever about all these girls, but I think you get the idea. Each one has something beautiful to offer to the Lord. I have the undeserving pleasure of seeing the hearts of these girls everyday and what is see is beauty. Beauty that can only come from the Lord. Just simply watching them talk while waiting for dinner makes me sit back and thank God for the beauty in this team. There are so many of us and it's beautiful. Sitting in the Veloce just talking our struggles out with a teammate is a beautiful thing. Thinking about how Father crafted our team and put us together is a beautiful thing. The fact that me and the one girl I'm with the most this summer won't have to say goodbye on August 6th is a beautiful thing. Thank you, Father, for crafting our team in such an intimate way. Thank you for showing me Your beauty through this team of Your servants. Thank you for being a wonderful and beautiful God. I love you. Amen.
Monday, June 16, 2008
The Battle Call
Today we went to battle. We go to battle everyday, but today we went to the front lines. We stood eye to eye with the enemy himself. Their drums played loudly, we said scripture even louder. We fought a good fight. The Lord is victorious.
Before we even left Father helped us put on His armor. And now as we sit here in fellowship, never have I felt such comfort from the Lord. I can feel Him healing my wounds, repairing the damaged armor, and romancing me. He is tender and gentle. I feel so weak yet strong at the same time. I feel beat up from today's battle, but firm in Him and still standing...just like He said I would.
The word says in Ephesians 6:10-20 that if we put on the armor of God, He will allow us to still be standing firm and that is exactly what He's done for me. He didn't say we wouldn't be beat up, but that we would still be standing firm. I stand before Him, tired and beat up, but firm and steadfast in His promise and His grace.
Before we even left Father helped us put on His armor. And now as we sit here in fellowship, never have I felt such comfort from the Lord. I can feel Him healing my wounds, repairing the damaged armor, and romancing me. He is tender and gentle. I feel so weak yet strong at the same time. I feel beat up from today's battle, but firm in Him and still standing...just like He said I would.
The word says in Ephesians 6:10-20 that if we put on the armor of God, He will allow us to still be standing firm and that is exactly what He's done for me. He didn't say we wouldn't be beat up, but that we would still be standing firm. I stand before Him, tired and beat up, but firm and steadfast in His promise and His grace.
Friday, May 30, 2008
The Ring
The ring doesn't fit anymore and I'm not sure exactly why.
It won't budge or move; I can't force it on no matter how hard I try.
The finger's the same, the ring is the same, all the metal still intact.
So what has changed? What's gone on? And how can we go back?
But even though the ring is the same, the hand has grown quite a bit.
It's stronger and bigger than before; a years worth of life's hardest hits.
So I take off the ring, put it back in the box with the other memorable things.
It's time to bury the past, dig up my roots, and fly on those beautiful wings.
The ring still means a lot, but you can't live in the past or continue this youthful strife.
It's time to move on to new things, start a new chapter, and keep moving on with life.
It won't budge or move; I can't force it on no matter how hard I try.
The finger's the same, the ring is the same, all the metal still intact.
So what has changed? What's gone on? And how can we go back?
But even though the ring is the same, the hand has grown quite a bit.
It's stronger and bigger than before; a years worth of life's hardest hits.
So I take off the ring, put it back in the box with the other memorable things.
It's time to bury the past, dig up my roots, and fly on those beautiful wings.
The ring still means a lot, but you can't live in the past or continue this youthful strife.
It's time to move on to new things, start a new chapter, and keep moving on with life.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Honor Thy Father and Mother
Today I was going through my planner trying to find an afternoon to have lunch with a few friends. While flipping through the pages I realized something. This week is going to be really busy, thus going by really fast. Next week is pretty open, but I'm sure that'll change really fast. The week after that is the last week of school and when all the craziness starts. I suddenly started freaking out.
It's that feeling where on one hand I could not be more excited to get back to the streets of Tokyo, see friends I haven't seen in nearly a year, and be on my own. On the other hand, I'm suddenly terrified and wishing I had more time with my parents. These last couple of months they have been AMAZING. As hard as I know it must be for them, they have let me have freedom. They let me spend time with my friends and go out with Gene nearly every single night...ok...literally... every night. ha. I have 3 weeks with them. They have given me WAY more than I could ever dream of. They love me even though I don't treat them the way I should all the time.
I haven't been home for father's day since 2005. This year will be no different. I think I've been so concentrated on honoring them with my life that I've neglected to honor them with my presence and appreciation.
Lord, help me not be selfish. Help me honor my parents the way they deserve to be honored.
Amen.
It's that feeling where on one hand I could not be more excited to get back to the streets of Tokyo, see friends I haven't seen in nearly a year, and be on my own. On the other hand, I'm suddenly terrified and wishing I had more time with my parents. These last couple of months they have been AMAZING. As hard as I know it must be for them, they have let me have freedom. They let me spend time with my friends and go out with Gene nearly every single night...ok...literally... every night. ha. I have 3 weeks with them. They have given me WAY more than I could ever dream of. They love me even though I don't treat them the way I should all the time.
I haven't been home for father's day since 2005. This year will be no different. I think I've been so concentrated on honoring them with my life that I've neglected to honor them with my presence and appreciation.
Lord, help me not be selfish. Help me honor my parents the way they deserve to be honored.
Amen.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Take my hand, precious Lord
If you've never experienced the loss of a loved one, in all honesty, this entry won't mean much. You can empathize until your face turns blue, but you can't sympathize. Today marks two years since the passing of my Grandma Sally, but I believe she went to be with Jesus weeks before that. Still, May 8th is a hard day for me and, I hope, my family (although they don't show much emotion about what happened). Most people probably don't remember the exact day their grandparent passed away, but most people didn't have a grandma like mine. And she wasn't just my grandma...she was my best friend, my confidant.
Last year was the first year and probably the hardest. But today, with the news of a dear friend's engagement and the rekindling of a broken friendship, it was hard not to rejoice. I know Grandma Sally wouldn't want me grieving for her and I've known that for quite some time, but experiencing joy on a dark day has made me realize why. So today I do not write this out of grief or sadness, but out of joy; joy of the Lord's faithfulness, of two lives being joined (or the promise of that), and of the restoration of friendships. I rejoice in the footprints in my heart and my life left there by my grandma that are still visible.
I truly feel sorry for anyone who did not get the privilege to meet her sweet and kindred spirit. The least I can do is tell people about her. Grandma Sally was stubborn, which is obvious when you try to change my dad's mind! haha! She had red hair when she was younger, but was also very quiet and peaceful. I saw a picture one time of her riding a motorcycle with my grandpa when she still had red hair. It makes me laugh so much! Her favorite singer was Elvis. She had a clock of him that swung his hips back and forth, a rubber guitar key chain, and a guitar brioche that she kept on her heavy winter coat. I miss her like crazy, but am thankful that life keeps moving. I wish with every fiber of my being that she could be there to watch me walk across that stage, but loves that she walks on my heart everyday. I wish little Grace could be held by the great grandma she never met, but I'm thankful that Sally keeps her memory alive in the kid's hearts.
The shrieking of my aunt yelling out in anguish during the visitation still haunts me. She had been so calm and collected until that moment. But when she walked through those doors and saw the open casket she snapped and collapsed in my uncle's arms screaming "NO! NO! I CAN'T DO THIS! I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!" I remember crying on my cousin Jon's shoulder and seeing him cry for the first time in my life. I remember my brother crying in the arms of his girlfriend (now fiance) and the beautiful music of my other aunt singing Grandma's favorite song for her. I remember breaking down in the car when I saw the police officer salute her as we drove into the cemetery and half laughing at the thought of how she would react if she saw all the commotion that was for her honor. The memories haunt me and I wonder if I'm the only one in my family that remembered today. It's not always easy, but beyond the shriek of my aunt was a cd playing. Grandma's favorite cd. Elvis Presley, Ultimate Gospel. Besides my aunt the visitation was pretty much a blur. But I do remember the song that played. A beautiful song that now strikes a chord in my heart every time I hear it.
Precious lord, take my hand
Lead me on, let me stand
Im tired, Im weak, Im lone
Through the storm, through the night
Lead me on to the light
Take my hand precious lord, lead me home
When my way grows drear precious lord linger near
When my light is almost gone
Hear my cry, hear my call
Hold my hand lest I fall
Take my hand precious lord, lead me home
When the darkness appears and the night draws near
And the day is past and gone
At the river I stand
Guide my feet, hold my hand
Take my hand precious lord, lead me home
Precious lord, take my hand
Lead me on, let me stand
Im tired, Im weak, Im lone
Through the storm, through the night
Lead me on to the light
Take my hand precious lord, lead me home
I have no greater joy than to know that my children walk with the Lord.
3John1:4
Sunday, May 4, 2008
blooming seeds
Right now I should be studying for my economics exam tomorrow, but I just had to write another entry! So much has happened this week and while I'm not exactly sure who reads this, I still want to let people know!
First off I must share with you that I am no longer in dire need of raising money for this summer!! Praise God!!! I know it is only by Him and His grace that it all came in! (And RIGHT in time, too!)
This week I've just been realizing how much people in my life have in fact, impacted my life! People and things from WAY back when that are still affecting my life now! More specifically, the people at my old church. It's been nearly four years since we left, but it seems like a lifetime! I recently put pictures up on facebook from prom. I was pleasantly surprised to see a comment from my old youth pastor! She jokingly said I wasn't old enough to be going to prom, but it brought back a flood of memories and faces flashed through my mind of people I haven't thought about in years. We exchanged a view messages and when I told her my plans for the summer it made me think of the very first mission trips I went on...with her. It donned on my that the Lord used her to plant a seed in my heart for missions and doing things for others.
Ms. Anita planted a seed in my heart for children and soon I'll be going and getting my degree in elementary education! And there's a song we used to sing during church ALL the time. It was probably my favorite although I had no idea why at the time. I haven't heard it in years and years, and even when I stumbled across the chords I forgot how the tune actually went. It quickly came back to me. And now I realize why it was and is my favorite song.
They say everything happens for a reason and I completely believe that statement to be true. Sometimes it takes years to find out why. Sometimes it takes decades. And sometimes, it takes a lifetime. It's crazy for me to see now how the Lord was working in my heart before I even believed in Him. It's ancient work brought home for me. And now I pray that for Japan.
He is calling the Japanese to Him. He is drawing them near to His heart. They don't know Him, but He knows them. He loves them. Pray for them. Pray that the Lord will prepare their hearts. Pray for the people we will meet this summer. Pray for divine appointments. Jami and Heather leave in a week. The team leaves a month after that. The journeymen have been there for 1+ years. The missionaries have given their lives to reach these people. Pray for them. Pray for their strength physically and spiritually.
When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Ephesians 3:14-19
I, the Lord of sea and sky
I have heard my people cry
All who dwell in dark and sin
My hand will save:
I who made the stars and night
I will make the darkness bright
Who will bear my light to them?
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart
I the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people's pain,
I have wept for love of them,
They turn away...
I will break their hearts of stone
Fill their hearts with love alone
I will speak my word to them
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart
I, the Lord of wind and flame
I will tend the poor and lame
I will set a feast for them
My hand will save:
Finest bread I will provide
Till their hearts be satisfied
I will give my life to them
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart
First off I must share with you that I am no longer in dire need of raising money for this summer!! Praise God!!! I know it is only by Him and His grace that it all came in! (And RIGHT in time, too!)
This week I've just been realizing how much people in my life have in fact, impacted my life! People and things from WAY back when that are still affecting my life now! More specifically, the people at my old church. It's been nearly four years since we left, but it seems like a lifetime! I recently put pictures up on facebook from prom. I was pleasantly surprised to see a comment from my old youth pastor! She jokingly said I wasn't old enough to be going to prom, but it brought back a flood of memories and faces flashed through my mind of people I haven't thought about in years. We exchanged a view messages and when I told her my plans for the summer it made me think of the very first mission trips I went on...with her. It donned on my that the Lord used her to plant a seed in my heart for missions and doing things for others.
Ms. Anita planted a seed in my heart for children and soon I'll be going and getting my degree in elementary education! And there's a song we used to sing during church ALL the time. It was probably my favorite although I had no idea why at the time. I haven't heard it in years and years, and even when I stumbled across the chords I forgot how the tune actually went. It quickly came back to me. And now I realize why it was and is my favorite song.
They say everything happens for a reason and I completely believe that statement to be true. Sometimes it takes years to find out why. Sometimes it takes decades. And sometimes, it takes a lifetime. It's crazy for me to see now how the Lord was working in my heart before I even believed in Him. It's ancient work brought home for me. And now I pray that for Japan.
He is calling the Japanese to Him. He is drawing them near to His heart. They don't know Him, but He knows them. He loves them. Pray for them. Pray that the Lord will prepare their hearts. Pray for the people we will meet this summer. Pray for divine appointments. Jami and Heather leave in a week. The team leaves a month after that. The journeymen have been there for 1+ years. The missionaries have given their lives to reach these people. Pray for them. Pray for their strength physically and spiritually.
When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Ephesians 3:14-19
I, the Lord of sea and sky
I have heard my people cry
All who dwell in dark and sin
My hand will save:
I who made the stars and night
I will make the darkness bright
Who will bear my light to them?
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart
I the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people's pain,
I have wept for love of them,
They turn away...
I will break their hearts of stone
Fill their hearts with love alone
I will speak my word to them
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart
I, the Lord of wind and flame
I will tend the poor and lame
I will set a feast for them
My hand will save:
Finest bread I will provide
Till their hearts be satisfied
I will give my life to them
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart
Monday, April 21, 2008
Captivated
I must confess to anyone that reads this that I have been wrong. Severely wrong. I have been searching for Him in the wrong place. Asking the wrong questions. Thank God for best friends and future roommates who help nudge you back on path.
On Friday night our church had this ladies conference. Before the first session starts we're all just sitting in chairs chatting a bit. I'm sitting next to Michelle who sits next to Ashley A., who sits next to Ashley W. Michelle and I are just talking and catching up (since we NEVER get to see each other! :[ ) All the sudden I just start crying. Not in an obvious way, but Michelle and can tell something isn't right. I explained to her that it was just so weird being here with her (Ash), but not BEING with her. It used to be that when she walked in the same building I knew she was there even if I couldn't see her. Now we sat on opposite ends of the bench and barely said two words. I mean, it's bad enough that I don't feel at home in my church, but with things having gone so a rye between she and I, it was hard to feel anything but pain.
Anyway, fast forward to today (Monday). I'm driving home from my college classes and call Chauncey so see what's up. I really had no intention on telling her what happened this weekend, but you know what it's like when you get two girls talking! haha! Well, I didn't even get a chance to finish the story, but she knew my heart anyway. She knew what was going on. Later this evening I get a voicemail from her. She tells me that sometimes, just like Ash and I were so close yet not together in spirit, Father is so close to us, but WE don't cling to Him.
He longs to captivate us. For us to notice. It's just like girls and guys. Why is it that girls spend hours getting all dolled up for prom? I'll tell you why. It's because when we walk down those stairs (or aisle when you get married) you want to take the breath away from the man on the other side. You want him to be captivated not only by your outward beauty, but the beauty of your heart. You want him to have eyes for only you. Father wants to do that same things. Only He didn't walk down stairs or an aisle. He walked down a dusty road surrounded by people yelling and spitting on him. He walked through a riot with a huge cross on the shoulder. He didn't get His hair done at some salon. He wore a crown of thorns instead. He was unrecognizable, but not for good. But even though He looked more like and animal than human, He was more beautiful than all the Lord's creations.
Father wants to captivate us with His beauty. He reveals His beauty everyday in nature. From the trees blowing in the wind, the flowers popping up, the birds singing in the air, or the fields of green grass. Let Him captivate you. Stop trying to captivate things and people of this world. Humans will always let you down. The One who created you will NEVER let you fall.
I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
Would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming
and you'd want to call me
And I would be there every time
you'd need me
I'd be there every time...
But for now I'll look so longingly
waiting...
For you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me
-For You to Notice
Dashboard Confessional
On Friday night our church had this ladies conference. Before the first session starts we're all just sitting in chairs chatting a bit. I'm sitting next to Michelle who sits next to Ashley A., who sits next to Ashley W. Michelle and I are just talking and catching up (since we NEVER get to see each other! :[ ) All the sudden I just start crying. Not in an obvious way, but Michelle and can tell something isn't right. I explained to her that it was just so weird being here with her (Ash), but not BEING with her. It used to be that when she walked in the same building I knew she was there even if I couldn't see her. Now we sat on opposite ends of the bench and barely said two words. I mean, it's bad enough that I don't feel at home in my church, but with things having gone so a rye between she and I, it was hard to feel anything but pain.
Anyway, fast forward to today (Monday). I'm driving home from my college classes and call Chauncey so see what's up. I really had no intention on telling her what happened this weekend, but you know what it's like when you get two girls talking! haha! Well, I didn't even get a chance to finish the story, but she knew my heart anyway. She knew what was going on. Later this evening I get a voicemail from her. She tells me that sometimes, just like Ash and I were so close yet not together in spirit, Father is so close to us, but WE don't cling to Him.
He longs to captivate us. For us to notice. It's just like girls and guys. Why is it that girls spend hours getting all dolled up for prom? I'll tell you why. It's because when we walk down those stairs (or aisle when you get married) you want to take the breath away from the man on the other side. You want him to be captivated not only by your outward beauty, but the beauty of your heart. You want him to have eyes for only you. Father wants to do that same things. Only He didn't walk down stairs or an aisle. He walked down a dusty road surrounded by people yelling and spitting on him. He walked through a riot with a huge cross on the shoulder. He didn't get His hair done at some salon. He wore a crown of thorns instead. He was unrecognizable, but not for good. But even though He looked more like and animal than human, He was more beautiful than all the Lord's creations.
Father wants to captivate us with His beauty. He reveals His beauty everyday in nature. From the trees blowing in the wind, the flowers popping up, the birds singing in the air, or the fields of green grass. Let Him captivate you. Stop trying to captivate things and people of this world. Humans will always let you down. The One who created you will NEVER let you fall.
I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
Would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming
and you'd want to call me
And I would be there every time
you'd need me
I'd be there every time...
But for now I'll look so longingly
waiting...
For you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me
-For You to Notice
Dashboard Confessional
Monday, April 14, 2008
Roots and Wings
It's like the best days under the sun
Every emotion rolled into one
A little of this, A little of that
Kinda happy, Kinda sad
When she came up to the group of girls I was talking to all I could do was look at her and wonder what happened. When she texted me today to apologize, all I could think was "why can't we go back?" On one hand I wish with all my might that we could go back in time to two years ago when things were simple and we stayed up to all hours of the night going from one conversation topic to the next. But on the other hand I long with every fiber of my being to move on.
"You can't have wings and roots, Mel."
"Maybe I could just fly south for the winter?"
-Sweet Home Alabama
I don't know how to have both or if I even want both. I want her in my life, but I don't want it to hinder the friendships that are in my future. I fear if things are mended between her and I that it will cause a rift between my future roommate and best friend.
I wish I didn't care. I wish I could just forget you. I wish this wasn't so complicated. I wish I could have roots and wings. I wish I could close this chapter with no regrets and no worries. But of course...life isn't that easy...and I do care. More than you will ever know. I still love you and wish we could go driving for hours like before. Before boys and family happened. Lets run away for a while...run away from life...please?
I secretly hope that when I leave this summer I could put it all behind me and when I start college this fall that I could start new friendships that don't leave me thinking about her all night...but something tells me that's not going to happen..
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Tomorrow Child
I know where I get my love for music. My mother. Music speaks to her like it does me. When my brother and I were born she picked out a song to play for us on our first car ride home. My brother's song was Beautiful Boy by The Beatles (obviously, my father had an input on that one) and mine is Tomorrow Child by David Soul. I've recently listened to it for the first time in about 18 1/2 years and absolutely fell in love with it.
What song to sing my tomorrow child
Still so small and new?
What shall I say to show the way?
What games to play with you?
The world turns quickly now
And changes every mile
What shall I say to show the way?
Tomorrow child
I can't tell you what your life will be
Time will show you roads that I can't see
And if they carry you away from me
Then go with love
Whatever travels you may wander through
Whatever wonders you may some day do
Take my lullaby along with you
And go with love
Tomorrow child
I'll give you room to find your way
Just near enough to hear the things you need to say
And if you lose your way or wander there a while
The world is all my gift to you
Tomorrow child
I think about the future and having my own children and I can't imagine letting them do what my parents allow me to do. It takes more faith than I can fathom to let your own flesh and blood travel to a different country for months at a time. And yet my mother sings to me, "what wonders you may some day do, take my lullaby along with you, and go with love, tomorrow child." I love my mom so much. I love my dad so much. They have given me room to find my way even though it meant going overseas. I know I don't say it as much as I should and I can't really find the right words to say it in, but...
Thank you mom and dad for letting me become the tomorrow child Father made me to be.I love you.
Love,
Your Tomorrow Child
P.S. Praise Father that Chelsea is ok. My friend was in a car wreck the other day, but she is doing much better.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Back to the Cross
Lately, I don't really know what's been going on...with my heart that is. I've been reading about the death of Jesus. My youth pastor, Josh, challenged us some time ago to really get to know Jesus as a person. He was, after all, human. He told us to read through the Gospels and dig into what He said while on earth. The end of each book is the hardest. I can only imagine what it was like to actually be there. You go through this book and read all about this amazing man who did the impossible. You get to know Him and respect Him. It seems as though a lot of people really like Him. Then, the people turn their back on Him. The ultimate backstabbing. Middle school drama was nothing compared to the drama brought on to Jesus. And He just stood there. He stood there and let them beat the tar out of Him. He just let them mock Him and torture Him and gamble away His clothes. He was, as Jimmy Needham put it, "marred beyond recognition in COMPLETE submission to the Father's will". Father has been working on my heart a lot in the past school year, and now He is bringing me back to the basics. Back to the cross. You might recognize the lyrics to a couple of songs. Mighty to Save and Lead Me to the Cross by Hillsong.
Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing, you can't be afraid to tell people. Stop being afraid. I AM here.
Let mercy fall on me, Lord. Give me strength in this trying time. Hold me in Your arms, but push me where You desire.
Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Savior, the Hope of nations. I am that Hope. You don't have time to mess around. Go. Tell her. I AM here. I don't need you, but I want you to tell her.
Savior.
I can move the mountains.
My God, You are mighty to save.
I AM mighty to save.
You are forever. You are the Author of salvation.
I rose and conquered the grave and I can save her. I will take care of the logistics, you just tell her.
Father, I know You are sending me, but I'm scared. What if the money doesn't come? What if I get there and say something wrong? What if I use the wrong word and it doesn't translate well?
Come back to the cross and let Me show you. When I was there I thought of her, too. Tell her that.
Lord, lead me to the cross where Your blood poured out. Bring me to my knees. Lord, I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to You. Lead me.
Shh. Quiet. You are over analyzing everything. Have you already forgotten what I showed you last summer? Have you forgotten everything I've carried you through this year? How easily you forget. You did not get through the past nine months by yourself. When everyone left you, I remained. And I always will. The issue in front of you will never be bigger than Me.
Lead me.
Remember, I was like you; tempted and tried. I was human, too.
Lord, You became flesh and bore my sin and death. Help me remember that with every breath I breathe.
But I rose.
Everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss. Lead me, Lord.
Here. Look up. See.
I see, but Lord, what are they doing?
It must happen.
No! Lord, no!! Stop! Stop whipping Him! Stop torturing Him! He has done nothing wrong!!
Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing, you can't be afraid to tell people. Stop being afraid. I AM here.
Let mercy fall on me, Lord. Give me strength in this trying time. Hold me in Your arms, but push me where You desire.
Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Savior, the Hope of nations. I am that Hope. You don't have time to mess around. Go. Tell her. I AM here. I don't need you, but I want you to tell her.
Savior.
I can move the mountains.
My God, You are mighty to save.
I AM mighty to save.
You are forever. You are the Author of salvation.
I rose and conquered the grave and I can save her. I will take care of the logistics, you just tell her.
Father, I know You are sending me, but I'm scared. What if the money doesn't come? What if I get there and say something wrong? What if I use the wrong word and it doesn't translate well?
Come back to the cross and let Me show you. When I was there I thought of her, too. Tell her that.
Lord, lead me to the cross where Your blood poured out. Bring me to my knees. Lord, I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to You. Lead me.
Shh. Quiet. You are over analyzing everything. Have you already forgotten what I showed you last summer? Have you forgotten everything I've carried you through this year? How easily you forget. You did not get through the past nine months by yourself. When everyone left you, I remained. And I always will. The issue in front of you will never be bigger than Me.
Lead me.
Remember, I was like you; tempted and tried. I was human, too.
Lord, You became flesh and bore my sin and death. Help me remember that with every breath I breathe.
But I rose.
Everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss. Lead me, Lord.
Here. Look up. See.
I see, but Lord, what are they doing?
It must happen.
No! Lord, no!! Stop! Stop whipping Him! Stop torturing Him! He has done nothing wrong!!
CRUCIFY HIM! CRUCIFY HIM!
No!!! Stop!! That's my Jesus! That's my King! My everything! Stop!
Father, forgive these people, for they know not what they do.
No! Jesus! No! I love you! Make them stop! Please don't die. Please. I need You!
Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?
Jesus. I'm sorry.
I told you it must happen. You asked Me to lead you to the cross and so here it is. But this forgiveness I have given you knows no borders. Go. Tell her. Tell her all you've seen and heard. Keep fighting. Keep seeking. Keep praying. For time is scarce, beloved.
The front pages of papers of children raped by rapist
Iraqi torture chambers and we the blame claim we're blameless
Wrong all
And swelling up inside of us there's this pride in us this arrogance
And our only line of defense is the sense that
I'm not as half as bad as this friend of mine so I must be fine
We mean well don't we
Yet I've never seen good intentions set a man free from
Hurt all
This poor unfortunate soul
Filling a single void with toy after toy with girl after boy
How boring this wasn't this meant to be humanity's life story
Warring with Good saying what have you done for me
Bought all
Hanging out for six hours marred beyond recognition
In complete submission to his father will still
A proclamation was made louder than the loudest temptation
With more beauty than all his creation
More eternal than eternity more angelic than the heavenlies
It Is done for you and bought with blood
Accept
Rejoice
For freedom has come
-Jimmy Needham
Benediction
Father, forgive these people, for they know not what they do.
No! Jesus! No! I love you! Make them stop! Please don't die. Please. I need You!
Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?
Jesus. I'm sorry.
I told you it must happen. You asked Me to lead you to the cross and so here it is. But this forgiveness I have given you knows no borders. Go. Tell her. Tell her all you've seen and heard. Keep fighting. Keep seeking. Keep praying. For time is scarce, beloved.
The front pages of papers of children raped by rapist
Iraqi torture chambers and we the blame claim we're blameless
Wrong all
And swelling up inside of us there's this pride in us this arrogance
And our only line of defense is the sense that
I'm not as half as bad as this friend of mine so I must be fine
We mean well don't we
Yet I've never seen good intentions set a man free from
Hurt all
This poor unfortunate soul
Filling a single void with toy after toy with girl after boy
How boring this wasn't this meant to be humanity's life story
Warring with Good saying what have you done for me
Bought all
Hanging out for six hours marred beyond recognition
In complete submission to his father will still
A proclamation was made louder than the loudest temptation
With more beauty than all his creation
More eternal than eternity more angelic than the heavenlies
It Is done for you and bought with blood
Accept
Rejoice
For freedom has come
-Jimmy Needham
Benediction
Sunday, March 23, 2008
I'm Not Who I Was
Several months or even years ago my good friend, JB, sent me this song and it has been on my mind a lot lately.
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was
I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so
I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was
When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you
I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was
I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello
Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
-Brandon Heath
I'm Not Who I Was
As I prepare, like so many other seniors, for graduation I start looking back at the person I was a month, year, or four years ago. I think back to the question Ky and AC asked me during my interview, "What, if anything, is different about you now from when you were in Japan this summer?" Out of anxiousness I said I was the same, but that isn't true. It could not be more UNtrue! I've been through more, experienced some hardcore leadership, and I've learned from that. I have failed in most areas and succeeded in few. I've lost friends I never thought I would and gained friends I never knew I could. I've become more dependent on Father and less dependent on my friends. I am so incredibly different from who I was this summer and this fall.
But sometimes I feel like people view me the same. I know and I can feel this complete transformation, but a lot of the time I feel like no one else can. There are people who don't take me seriously or who think I've changed for other people. Do you honestly think I'm going to change who I am for someone other than the Almighty God? I mean really? Come on! Maybe that's what appeals to me most about college. I mean, I'm going to be rooming with one of the greatest girls on the planet and yes, I know plenty of people who go to HPU, but they are all people who know me. Jami and Chauncey are probably the two people who know me best. So it only makes it easier not to slip back into my old ways...or rather...it makes it more difficult to do so.
I can't wait to be on my own. You know...for my graduation party my mom wants me to make this slide show thing that I did for my brother only for me. In doing so we have, of course, been going through a million baby pictures. I look at them and see my brother and think about how fast life as gone. Sure, the summer I was 15 seemed to take forever to be over with, but in all life has just whizzed by. I see pictures of my brother with a towel around his neck as a cape and think about how he's getting married this Christmas. That blows my mind! He'll be graduating soon and probably headed off to St. Louis for his job! He's going to have children within a couple of years!!! It all rushes through my head and I suddenly get (as Michael Rosen put it) "very frightened"! As much as I can't wait to graduate and go back to Japan, I'm scared to death! Not of actually going, but that my life is moving on. I'm closing a chapter of my life and opening a new one. It's one of those times when every emotion is rolled up into one feeling.
I love this crazy tragic
Sometimes almost magic
Awful beautiful life
-Darryl Worley
Awful Beautiful Life
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was
I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so
I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was
When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you
I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was
I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello
Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
-Brandon Heath
I'm Not Who I Was
As I prepare, like so many other seniors, for graduation I start looking back at the person I was a month, year, or four years ago. I think back to the question Ky and AC asked me during my interview, "What, if anything, is different about you now from when you were in Japan this summer?" Out of anxiousness I said I was the same, but that isn't true. It could not be more UNtrue! I've been through more, experienced some hardcore leadership, and I've learned from that. I have failed in most areas and succeeded in few. I've lost friends I never thought I would and gained friends I never knew I could. I've become more dependent on Father and less dependent on my friends. I am so incredibly different from who I was this summer and this fall.
But sometimes I feel like people view me the same. I know and I can feel this complete transformation, but a lot of the time I feel like no one else can. There are people who don't take me seriously or who think I've changed for other people. Do you honestly think I'm going to change who I am for someone other than the Almighty God? I mean really? Come on! Maybe that's what appeals to me most about college. I mean, I'm going to be rooming with one of the greatest girls on the planet and yes, I know plenty of people who go to HPU, but they are all people who know me. Jami and Chauncey are probably the two people who know me best. So it only makes it easier not to slip back into my old ways...or rather...it makes it more difficult to do so.
I can't wait to be on my own. You know...for my graduation party my mom wants me to make this slide show thing that I did for my brother only for me. In doing so we have, of course, been going through a million baby pictures. I look at them and see my brother and think about how fast life as gone. Sure, the summer I was 15 seemed to take forever to be over with, but in all life has just whizzed by. I see pictures of my brother with a towel around his neck as a cape and think about how he's getting married this Christmas. That blows my mind! He'll be graduating soon and probably headed off to St. Louis for his job! He's going to have children within a couple of years!!! It all rushes through my head and I suddenly get (as Michael Rosen put it) "very frightened"! As much as I can't wait to graduate and go back to Japan, I'm scared to death! Not of actually going, but that my life is moving on. I'm closing a chapter of my life and opening a new one. It's one of those times when every emotion is rolled up into one feeling.
I love this crazy tragic
Sometimes almost magic
Awful beautiful life
-Darryl Worley
Awful Beautiful Life
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Out of the Ordinary
I don't really know how to explain what happened today. For the past week or two I feel like I've been stuck. I've been trying to get my heart in the right place when it comes to Japan and this burden of raising money. A few days ago I told Audrey (via Skype Tag ;) ) that I was ready to give this problem over to Father and never pick it up again. I wanted to so badly, but I didn't know how. I knew (as I wrote about last time) that I had to get my heart in the right place because after all "Whatever is in your heart determines what you say" (Luke 6:45). Finally, last night and this morning God woke my heart up and got my attention.
Last night I went to the Village Church to meet up with a teammate of mine, Sarah. We do this on occasion and whoever speaks at the Village always does an AMAZING job! Well, last night Matt was giving an announcement about a missions project they'd been a part of for years when Sarah leaned over and told me something astonishing. She said that at Passion she learned that in Iraq Christianity is at about 3%. Seems low, right? But Japan is only about .5%. My heart broke in two. Matt talked about how they've been working in Guatemala and Asia and how they are going to begin working in Africa. That made me want to throw up. Why doesn't anyone care about Japan??
This morning a lady in our church gave a presentation about missionaries here in the U.S. All I could think over and over was why doesn't anyone care about Japan??? Father reviled three passages to me. In Mark 2:1-5 there is a story about a couple of guys who had a sick friend, but because of the crowd and the chaos they couldn't get him to Jesus in order for him to be healed. They went to the extreme. They dug a hole in the roof and lowered their lame friend down to where Jesus was teaching. I don't know if you know this...but that IS NOT NORMAL!!! They went to the extreme, thought out of the box, and out of the ordinary in order to save ONE person. I don't know what Father has planned for this summer, but I can tell you that there is only one name on my mind for when I get to work over there.
Another passage He showed me was in Luke 11:5-10. I heard this passage spoken about at the Village a few weeks ago and it has stuck with me. It's when Jesus is teaching about praying and being persistent. He says to keep asking, keep looking, and keep knocking. Time is scarce and we can't just ask once and then sit and mope when He says no or not yet.
The last passage He showed me was James 4:7-10.
"So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor."
I have been going about this all wrong. It's true that my heart has been broken for Japan for several years, but not in the right way. Why doesn't anyone care about Japan? Why is it that when people in the American church think of missions they automatically think of Asia, Africa, etc.? I mean, don't get me wrong, they need to hear the Good News, too, but what about Japan? What about the 99.5% of Japan that doesn't know who He is or what He's done? What about those people young and old who commit suicide every single day in Japan? What about those so deeply rooted in their traditions that they can't see the God has called them to a better and more freeing life!?!? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE CARE ABOUT JAPAN?????
You are God of this city
You are King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are
You are light in this darkness
You are hope to the hopeless
You are peace to the restless
You are
For there is no one like our God
There is no one like You, God
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done here.
You're the Lord of Creation
The Creator of all things
You're the King above all Kings
You are
You're the strength in our weakness
You're the love to the broken
You're the joy in the sadness
You are
-God of This City
Chris Tomlin
Last night I went to the Village Church to meet up with a teammate of mine, Sarah. We do this on occasion and whoever speaks at the Village always does an AMAZING job! Well, last night Matt was giving an announcement about a missions project they'd been a part of for years when Sarah leaned over and told me something astonishing. She said that at Passion she learned that in Iraq Christianity is at about 3%. Seems low, right? But Japan is only about .5%. My heart broke in two. Matt talked about how they've been working in Guatemala and Asia and how they are going to begin working in Africa. That made me want to throw up. Why doesn't anyone care about Japan??
This morning a lady in our church gave a presentation about missionaries here in the U.S. All I could think over and over was why doesn't anyone care about Japan??? Father reviled three passages to me. In Mark 2:1-5 there is a story about a couple of guys who had a sick friend, but because of the crowd and the chaos they couldn't get him to Jesus in order for him to be healed. They went to the extreme. They dug a hole in the roof and lowered their lame friend down to where Jesus was teaching. I don't know if you know this...but that IS NOT NORMAL!!! They went to the extreme, thought out of the box, and out of the ordinary in order to save ONE person. I don't know what Father has planned for this summer, but I can tell you that there is only one name on my mind for when I get to work over there.
Another passage He showed me was in Luke 11:5-10. I heard this passage spoken about at the Village a few weeks ago and it has stuck with me. It's when Jesus is teaching about praying and being persistent. He says to keep asking, keep looking, and keep knocking. Time is scarce and we can't just ask once and then sit and mope when He says no or not yet.
The last passage He showed me was James 4:7-10.
"So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor."
I have been going about this all wrong. It's true that my heart has been broken for Japan for several years, but not in the right way. Why doesn't anyone care about Japan? Why is it that when people in the American church think of missions they automatically think of Asia, Africa, etc.? I mean, don't get me wrong, they need to hear the Good News, too, but what about Japan? What about the 99.5% of Japan that doesn't know who He is or what He's done? What about those people young and old who commit suicide every single day in Japan? What about those so deeply rooted in their traditions that they can't see the God has called them to a better and more freeing life!?!? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE CARE ABOUT JAPAN?????
You are God of this city
You are King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are
You are light in this darkness
You are hope to the hopeless
You are peace to the restless
You are
For there is no one like our God
There is no one like You, God
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done here.
You're the Lord of Creation
The Creator of all things
You're the King above all Kings
You are
You're the strength in our weakness
You're the love to the broken
You're the joy in the sadness
You are
-God of This City
Chris Tomlin
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Matter of the Heart
"Worry is an intrusion into God's providence." -John Haggai
Wow. Take that in. Personally, I've got a lot on my plate and I know pretty much every high school senior does, too. Especially those going back to Japan this summer who have to balance raising money, not falling prey to senioritis, spending time with family and friends before we go away for the summer and then when we leave again for college. Oh and did I mention there are only 24 hours in the day!? GAH! It would be so awesome to have some fund raiser where I could spend time with my family AND times with my friends! (P.S. I'm serious...if you have ideas, don't be shy!!) Oh and I've got an eight page paper due for my college English.
But then I look at what good 'ol John Haggai said...and I feel about the size of a grain of salt. To think that my worry and, lets face it, my doubt is not just lack of faith in myself, but a lack of faith in the Almighty God!!! I've seen Him do miracles nobody thought possible. I watched a Chinese man get baptized in Japan this summer because of His mighty power!! I've seen sunsets and sunrises that could only He could paint. I've seen His love and power overwhelm my best friend and save her right before my eyes. I have felt His mighty power, His jealously, His tender love, and undeniable sovereignty and I am watching Him work in the heart of a dear friend from school who's family will surely disown him if he believes. So how dare I have lack of faith!? But what is it that needs to change?
"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away your ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer." -Corrie ten Boom
I told you in my last post that Father desires to be the driver. But it's not just a matter of physically scooting over into the other seat...it's a matter of the heart. Dallas Willard once said to "put everything you have into the care of your heart, for it determines what your life amounts to." So ask Father to get your heart in check. I know I need to. My God can do anything!! He's bigger than anything we could ever possibly think of. $2000 is no big thing to Him! It's less than nothing to Him. Faith in every aspect of our life. That is what He demands. He demands our all and more. And isn't He worth it?
Wow. Take that in. Personally, I've got a lot on my plate and I know pretty much every high school senior does, too. Especially those going back to Japan this summer who have to balance raising money, not falling prey to senioritis, spending time with family and friends before we go away for the summer and then when we leave again for college. Oh and did I mention there are only 24 hours in the day!? GAH! It would be so awesome to have some fund raiser where I could spend time with my family AND times with my friends! (P.S. I'm serious...if you have ideas, don't be shy!!) Oh and I've got an eight page paper due for my college English.
But then I look at what good 'ol John Haggai said...and I feel about the size of a grain of salt. To think that my worry and, lets face it, my doubt is not just lack of faith in myself, but a lack of faith in the Almighty God!!! I've seen Him do miracles nobody thought possible. I watched a Chinese man get baptized in Japan this summer because of His mighty power!! I've seen sunsets and sunrises that could only He could paint. I've seen His love and power overwhelm my best friend and save her right before my eyes. I have felt His mighty power, His jealously, His tender love, and undeniable sovereignty and I am watching Him work in the heart of a dear friend from school who's family will surely disown him if he believes. So how dare I have lack of faith!? But what is it that needs to change?
"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away your ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer." -Corrie ten Boom
I told you in my last post that Father desires to be the driver. But it's not just a matter of physically scooting over into the other seat...it's a matter of the heart. Dallas Willard once said to "put everything you have into the care of your heart, for it determines what your life amounts to." So ask Father to get your heart in check. I know I need to. My God can do anything!! He's bigger than anything we could ever possibly think of. $2000 is no big thing to Him! It's less than nothing to Him. Faith in every aspect of our life. That is what He demands. He demands our all and more. And isn't He worth it?
Saturday, March 1, 2008
easier said than done
"A little faith will bring your soul to heaven, but a lot of faith will bring heaven to your soul."
I forgot who said this, but it was in my devo book the other day. This week as been crazy. It's been a roller coaster of emotions, but at the end of the day I am so glad I went through it. I've been learning so much lately and yet I'm still thirsty for more. I long to just soak it in, but Father keeps telling me that I will learn what I need to learn when I need to learn it.
I've been learning what it means to be completely dependent on Father. I'm not the type of person who typically has a lot of friends. I always have a best friend or two that I'm with all the time. This week Father has taken that part of my life away. He has shown me that He is a jealous God. He has taken everything (or everyone) away that has kept Him from being my best friend. I can honestly say now that He is my best friend. He is the only one I can go to for everything. He is always there. He never lets me down. Unlike other friends of mine He is with me all the time. We are constantly hanging out. Life is one big road trip with Him every single day (see Audrey's latest blog). Before, I would try to take over the navigations. I tried reading a map to a place I've never been. It's taken me too long, but I've learned that it's better to just turn up the music, stick your bare feet out the window, and soak up the Son.
Another thing I'm learning is the difference between saying and actually doing. Telling others and even yourself that you have all this faith in Father is so easy. Anyone can play the part, but Father doesn't want this to be a play. Faith isn't just a noun; something that you have. Faith is a verb. You can't just "have" faith...you have to LIVE faith in your everyday life. So many people put their trust in the Lord for salvation, but Father doesn't ask for just that one thing. He demands everything! Every worry, every doubt, every A, every F, every sunny day, every thunderstorm. He wants it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
I forgot who said this, but it was in my devo book the other day. This week as been crazy. It's been a roller coaster of emotions, but at the end of the day I am so glad I went through it. I've been learning so much lately and yet I'm still thirsty for more. I long to just soak it in, but Father keeps telling me that I will learn what I need to learn when I need to learn it.
I've been learning what it means to be completely dependent on Father. I'm not the type of person who typically has a lot of friends. I always have a best friend or two that I'm with all the time. This week Father has taken that part of my life away. He has shown me that He is a jealous God. He has taken everything (or everyone) away that has kept Him from being my best friend. I can honestly say now that He is my best friend. He is the only one I can go to for everything. He is always there. He never lets me down. Unlike other friends of mine He is with me all the time. We are constantly hanging out. Life is one big road trip with Him every single day (see Audrey's latest blog). Before, I would try to take over the navigations. I tried reading a map to a place I've never been. It's taken me too long, but I've learned that it's better to just turn up the music, stick your bare feet out the window, and soak up the Son.
Another thing I'm learning is the difference between saying and actually doing. Telling others and even yourself that you have all this faith in Father is so easy. Anyone can play the part, but Father doesn't want this to be a play. Faith isn't just a noun; something that you have. Faith is a verb. You can't just "have" faith...you have to LIVE faith in your everyday life. So many people put their trust in the Lord for salvation, but Father doesn't ask for just that one thing. He demands everything! Every worry, every doubt, every A, every F, every sunny day, every thunderstorm. He wants it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
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