They push, I pull

Merry Christmas?

I can think of a few people who are not exactly having a "very merry Christmas". Color my green and call my the grinch, but this hasn't exactly been the greatest holiday season.

I'm having a hard time with this whole holiday cheer thing. I know it's supposed to be a celebration, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. After everything that's happened this semester I still can't seem to...I don't know...be joyful? I am, but not where I'm at. But wanting to go back to school goes deeper than just seeing my friends again. I've realized it's because loving my friends at school is so much easier than loving my family. My friends at school are like me. We get along because we're on the same road. We get each other in a way that no one else really ever could and even though I haven't experienced the same things in exactly the same vicinity as them or to the same degree, I still experienced them and it...she...still changed my life. No one here in Justin gets it. And it's not even that they don't get it, it's that they don't care to get it.

So it's Christmas. And a weird one, at that. My brother isn't here, which isn't incredibly as weird as I thought, but still strange. I've learned that presents can tell a lot about a person and how they feel about you. And what have I concluded about my parents? If it were up to them I'd be married in a year or two, pop out a few juniors, and cook for my family all the days of my life in a decent house down the road. What else can one conclude after getting pepper spray, Father of the Bride, and an apron for Christmas? And what do I want? Not the American dream that my parents have in mind, that's for sure. But really, what do I want? No clue.

Do I have to know now? No. I know that. I'm not exactly the country girl most people think of when they think of Justin. I'm not a girly girl either who goes crazy over the fancy crap. I'm a cross cultural studies major, but does that mean that I know for sure that I want to spend the rest of my life overseas? No. I don't know who I am or what I want to do with my life, but I do know that the more my parents push the "american dream" crap down my throat, the less I want it.

Oh and have I mentioned that every time my mother and I are alone all she can talk about is my wedding and how it's going to happen? Oh yeah, everything is "well when YOU get married we'll do this" and "at YOUR wedding we'll have this". I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my parents thinking they have me all figured out and know how my future will play out when I haven't even got my present figured out. How can I even begin to figure out my future when my present still seems so scrambled?

And so the more my parents push this future on me, the more I long for just the opposite...and that affects more than just me. And I'm tired of my life affecting so many people. Is that bad?

Kindly unspoken, you show your emotions and actions speak louder than words.
Lucky I'm clever if I didn't know better I'd believe only that which I've heard.