I'm Not Who I Was

Several months or even years ago my good friend, JB, sent me this song and it has been on my mind a lot lately.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
-Brandon Heath
I'm Not Who I Was

As I prepare, like so many other seniors, for graduation I start looking back at the person I was a month, year, or four years ago. I think back to the question Ky and AC asked me during my interview, "What, if anything, is different about you now from when you were in Japan this summer?" Out of anxiousness I said I was the same, but that isn't true. It could not be more UNtrue! I've been through more, experienced some hardcore leadership, and I've learned from that. I have failed in most areas and succeeded in few. I've lost friends I never thought I would and gained friends I never knew I could. I've become more dependent on Father and less dependent on my friends. I am so incredibly different from who I was this summer and this fall.

But sometimes I feel like people view me the same. I know and I can feel this complete transformation, but a lot of the time I feel like no one else can. There are people who don't take me seriously or who think I've changed for other people. Do you honestly think I'm going to change who I am for someone other than the Almighty God? I mean really? Come on! Maybe that's what appeals to me most about college. I mean, I'm going to be rooming with one of the greatest girls on the planet and yes, I know plenty of people who go to HPU, but they are all people who know me. Jami and Chauncey are probably the two people who know me best. So it only makes it easier not to slip back into my old ways...or rather...it makes it more difficult to do so.

I can't wait to be on my own. You know...for my graduation party my mom wants me to make this slide show thing that I did for my brother only for me. In doing so we have, of course, been going through a million baby pictures. I look at them and see my brother and think about how fast life as gone. Sure, the summer I was 15 seemed to take forever to be over with, but in all life has just whizzed by. I see pictures of my brother with a towel around his neck as a cape and think about how he's getting married this Christmas. That blows my mind! He'll be graduating soon and probably headed off to St. Louis for his job! He's going to have children within a couple of years!!! It all rushes through my head and I suddenly get (as Michael Rosen put it) "very frightened"! As much as I can't wait to graduate and go back to Japan, I'm scared to death! Not of actually going, but that my life is moving on. I'm closing a chapter of my life and opening a new one. It's one of those times when every emotion is rolled up into one feeling.

I love this crazy tragic
Sometimes almost magic
Awful beautiful life
-Darryl Worley
Awful Beautiful Life